Anonymous said: I'm sex repulsed, triggered when I'm touched. But I question if I'm ace or allo... or grey. While some people made me go wow. just by meeting them, I don't know if it was romantic, sensual or sexual... it was physical, I wanted to get intimate... wtf chemistry? I didn't plan to actually have sex, but I had this craving to do sexy things with them? Would my thoughts of what's romantic/sensual/sexual come into play to define what I felt?

That kind of sounds like sexual attraction to me, but it’s up to you to decide! You definitely can feel sexual attraction while still being sex-repulsed, and I always figured it’d look pretty much like what you just described. But yes, it’s totally up to you to decide what it actually is.

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

Anonymous said: as an aromantic who is very logic minded, not understanding relationship problems at all, I get very confused when people complain about dating someone who wants sexual things when they don't. like dump their ass when you find this out, it's quite obvious that one or both people in this relationship will be unhappy. this is also the reason no one likes to watch romantic comedies with me :/

This is why I give advice to those acenons, because I’m like you. Logic is my thing, and feelings are confusing. When you are in a situation like that, it can be hard to see things clearly - your feelings for the person cloud your judgement and prevent you from seeing the heart of the matter. 

People don’t want to have to break up with someone the care about, and I totally get that. But you can’t let your feelings override your wellbeing. When you and your partner are incompatible in this big way, it doesn’t matter how much you like them. You need to end it. 

Sometimes people desperately need that third, impartial view of the situation to help them out. That’s what we’re here for.

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

jean-huh-kirschnickerdoodle said: I was actually wondering if you got a two part ask I sent. I um sorta sent it anon. It was the one asking about romantic attraction, and how I feel about the same about all my super close friends though some I want to kiss. Worrying if I'm aromantic and how it would matter cause of writing. I know you're all super busy but its been a couple weeks now, I tried to check in a lot so I just wondered if it didn't make it in or if it hasn't been answered or if maybe I missed it. thank you <3

I don’t remember this one, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t either in the inbox or in the queue. This wouldn’t be one I can answer, so I don’t know! I don’t have an answer for you right now! Give us a little more time.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Contributing to the whole Aces having trouble with flirting/recognizing it. I've been told that my standard form of interacting with people is pretty much flirting. Friends have tried explaining it to me, but i still don't get it.

Me either! Some people are naturally more flirtatious than others, and also different people consider different behaviors flirting. Here’s a video about flirting - I found it useful. 

Fun story: my freshman year of college, this guy in my chemistry class was like, seriously overly friendly, and I was kind of weirded out by it, and when describing it to my friends, they all went “Ohmygod he likes you! He’s flirting!” and I promptly freaked. I spent the rest of the semester trying to shut that down, and let me tell you, I don’t get it at all. 

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

Hi ! I’m the one who sent you the ask about achorissexualism and I want to thank you again for your explanations.
So, as an anon reader seems to find your answer offensive, I would like to tell them that I don’t think it was at all, and this is how I understood your explanations (tell me if I’m correct) :
If we have no sexual attraction to people irl, we can identify as asexual, and this is our orientation.
Then, we can be asexual and like masturbation, or be asexual and dislike it, or we can be asexual and get aroused while fantasizing, or never experience arousal. Achorissexualism seems more to be “a particularity”, it defines what gets me aroused (fictions, fantasies, porn or whatever it might be) and how (while dissociating myself from the scenes I read, imagine, watch etc.). Like for an ace who gets aroused by porn, getting aroused by porn won’t be his sexual orientation, he would still be asexual.
I don’t know it I explain correctly, and sorry for my English !!, but I hope this will help to understand why your answer wasn’t rude at all (for me), and I’m sorry if people still feel as if their identity has been invalidated.
Lastly, I wanted to apoligize for taking “paraphilia” the wrong way at first and if I offended anyone.
Have a great day !

I’m glad that answer made sense to you! I get where that anon was coming from, though their reaction was a bit… unnecessary. 

I love the way you described it - not only because it makes so much sense, but it’s also exactly how the term was originally described and meant to be used. Autochorissexualism is a paraphilia. I think a point that I failed to make in the first two posts, but I think I got in response to the angry anon, is that as a paraphilia, this is not exclusive to asexuals. This is not like demi and gray-asexuality, where people are functionally asexual with these specific exceptions. Autochorissexualism is a specific form of arousal and sexual excitement that many asexuals experience, but that is not in any way exclusive to the asexual experience. As such, I’m not sure how it could possibly be used as an identity. 

And I definitely understand your confusion about paraphilia. Many folks probably have treated paraphilias as shameful, despite them being totally okay and rather widespread. This is yet another thing we (humans) need to work on - not shaming people for their sexual interests, so long as they aren’t hurting anyone.

-Kiowa

faithacad said: Heyy, obviously you get a lot of asks and I feel like a bother for taking up space, but since there seems to be a lot of other young aces I'd like to offer myself as someone to talk to. I'm 13, so pretty young, but also I think it'd be nice to talk to someone near your age.

I agree - while we try to give advice best we can, we’re all in our 20s and a bit removed from the 13 year old experience. 

Go forth, young aces! Make new friends!

-Kiowa

Tags: faithacad

Anonymous said: Is 15 to young to say you are asexual?

Nope.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Can aromantics want a spouse? For just chillin with?

Yup! Maybe have a look into queerplatonic relationships - or you can just want a totally platonic spouse. 

(Plus, tax benefits!)

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

Anonymous said: I think I'm asexual But I'm thirteen I have never had a sexual attraction to anyone But I don't know what to do

If you haven’t felt sexual attraction, then yeah, you definitely can identify as asexual if you feel that fits you!

I don’t know what you’re asking, though. What to do? Generally, here’s a recipe for a successful life: 

  • Do things you like.
  • Don’t do things you don’t like.
  • Surround yourself with good, accepting, caring people.
  • Cut toxic people out of your life.
  • Study something/get a job doing something that satisfies you.
  • Pursue hobbies that make you happy.
  • Take time to do things alone.
  • Watch good movies/TV shows/read good books/listen to good music.
  • Also do that with bad stuff, but laugh a lot.
  • Take care of your mental health.
  • Remember that you are valuable and wonderful as you are; no one else can define your worth.
  • If you can do something to better your life, do it. If you can’t, then stick it out till things get better anyway.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hi! Sorry if you've been asked this before, but I didn't see it in the FAQ. I'm a heteroromantic asexual. When people ask me what my sexual orientation is, I just tell them that I'm straight. I personally think it's kind of weird to get so specific as to say I'm a heteroromantic asexual, but I know some people on here feel as though asexuals are lying or erasing their own sexuality by calling themselves straight. What do you all believe regarding the subject?

It’s totally up to you how you want to identify and how open you want to be about being asexual. You never have to come out to anyone you don’t want to.

My personal opinion is that, if I was a heteroromantic asexual or I was talking to one, straight is not at all the term I’d use. At all. Ever. Because straight implies both heteroromanticism and heterosexuality, and that’s not how you actually identify. And straight people (in particular cishet folks) are the reason we have to fight so hard for inclusion, representation, rights, respect, all that. 

I totally understand that coming out all the way isn’t appropriate in some situations, isn’t necessary, can be hard and uncomfortable, can be very risky, so I definitely understand people saying they’re straight when they aren’t. But I’m generally opposed to it if it’s safe to either say that you are asexual or to not say anything (for example, to just not answer the question, or to deflect, or something like that). 

It’s ultimately up to you as to how you want to identify yourself in each situation. If saying you’re straight is easiest and best, do it. Always be aware of the misconceptions you are spreading about yourself and your behavior, but you definitely can. However, if you are in a situation where you can safely come out, I personally think that’s preferable, but it’s up to you.

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous