Anonymous asked: I'm so confused in what this would be. Okay so I'm bisexual but I'm not interested in sex with either of the genders just kind of a romantic thing ya know? What would that be called?

Holly: Biromantic! Asexual people can be interested in romance without sexual attraction, so that seems to fit what you’re describing exactly!

Anonymous asked: What is the difference between demisexual and low libido? I have heard people who are demi and people who have low libido describe their experiences, and it sounds the same to me (the differing factor being self-identification and self-understanding).

Mousy: Demisexuality refers to the sexual attraction that one experiences, which is not the same as libido.

Libido, or sex drive, refers to a physical desire for sex. People of any sexual orientation can have any level of libido.

For example, it is possible for an asexual person to have a high libido, which would mean that the person is not attracted to anyone but experiences the physical desire for sex. In this case, the desire is not directed towards anyone.

A person who has a low libido but is allosexual (not on the asexual spectrum) may well still experience attraction towards people, but not have the drive to engage in sexual activity.

In contrast, demisexuality refers to the experience of secondary but not primary sexual attraction, which means that one only experiences attraction after developing an emotional connection.

Note that this is not the same as “only having sex with someone after forming an emotional connection”.

Attraction and sex drive are only two amongst the many factors that can determine people’s decision to have sex (or not have sex). They may well lead to the same type of behaviour, but they are not the same thing.

esca-sonofcunoval asked: Hello there. Would you happen to know if it's normal or not to be unable to differentiate between the various types of love, lust aside? I am asexual and I think I may be aromantic as well, and I truly cannot tell the difference between platonic love and romantic love if there is no lust or sex involved. I'd be happy for any answers you'd be able to give me, because it makes me feel kind of weird. Thanks!

J.D. - I think I’m convinced that aromantics probably have the most trouble sorting this out. From what I’ve read and heard, it seems like it’s something that you just know and feel, or you don’t. From reading about romantic asexuals, it seems like romantic love is more about physical affection and dreamy-eyed sort of notions about your significant other. Platonic seems more like you want to know and understand the other person as much as possible, and you want to grow emotionally intimate in a way that isn’t just like your other friends. 

Huh

I have a great friend. We have been really close for ages, and the other day she kissed me. I think you can guess that I have no interest in a romantic relationship with this person in any way. But, it took her a lot of courage to do that, because I am female as well. So, how can I make clear that I still want to be friends, but just friends, without making her feel like I am dismissing her because she is a lesbian?

J.D. - Tell her exactly what you’re telling us - if not in-person (if you can’t muster the courage to do it), write her a letter. She needs to hear/read it herself before things become a lot more difficult.

yellowwallsbluesky asked: Hey, Ace girl here. I have a very good friend who I think is also Ace - shes made her opinion on sex very clear since 6th grade - and I would love to talk to her more about asexuality, but I'm not sure how to start the discussion. Any advice?

Chris - You could wait for the subject to come up in regular conversation, or you could just casually mention it to her one day— “Hey, have you ever heard of asexuality?”— and go from there. Sorry I can’t be of more help than that, but I think the straightforward approach is best.

Anonymous asked: A well meaning friend who understands I don't date (even if I never said the word asexual) said "you probably don't realise, but sometimes the way you act around the guys could be misinterpreted as flirting". Now I can't stop over thinking my every interaction with guy friends. In the past new acquaintances have occasionally misunderstood my friendship, so I must be doing something, but I can't see what it is. I don't act any differently with guys than with girls. What should I avoid doing?

Chris - A lot of people believe that it’s a blurry line between flirting and just being nice; for many, it’s difficult to tell the difference. Flirting, to the best of my limited knowledge, can include laughing at the other person’s jokes even if they’re bad, touching the other person more than is necessary, suggestive compliments, tone of voice, more eye contact than usual, being unnecessarily close to the other person, trading banter… things like that. If you want to avoid flirting, I’d say to mainly try to avoid too much eye contact, too much touching, and too much proximity. Also, avoid suggestive compliments because they can be misconstrued (she said, stating the obvious).

Anonymous asked: When you have an asexual sort of crush, how can you tell? Does it feel different than strong platonic feelings?

Chris - Personally, I can definitely tell the difference between when I have strong platonic feelings for someone and when I have a crush on someone. For example, I have strong platonic feelings for my best friend, who is one of the most awesome people in the world, and who I am very lucky to know. When I like a guy, I also think he’s awesome, and I also think I’m lucky to know him. But it’s different because with a crush, there’s aesthetic and romantic attraction. I think he’s pretty, I get really nervous around him, I fall all over myself trying to make him happy, I jump at the chance to get a hug from him, I wish he’d ask me out, and so on and so forth. I don’t feel that way about my best friend, because with my best friend, the strong feelings are platonic. I hope that makes sense!

tackythor asked: Hi! :D I just saw someone's question about people telling them they're sexual when they say someone's hot and haha I would personally suggest saying someone's "not unpleasant to look at" as a way to get around it because generally it gets the message across in a very not-a-lot-of-room-for-reading-sexual-attraction-into-your-statement-of-aesthetic-appreciation way and if you say it in the right tone it can also make everyone laugh because it's so overly chaste in its phrasing :P haha :)

Anonymous asked: If I tell my friends that someone is hot, later they'll use that as proof that I am sexual (not often. this is more from the general public). I think the breakdown in communication happens because they don't know exactly what I mean when I say hot. So what's a way to say I-find-them-aesthetically-pleasing-hot instead of I'd-tap-that-hot, without sounding ridiculous or pretentious? 'Cause right now both of those are a bit of a mouthful.

J.D. - I’ve no idea. Regardless of the semantics, I’m pretty sure they’re going to judge you and jump to certain conclusions because most people assume “attraction” still automatically implies some sort of sexual dimension. It really can’t be avoided. So I’d just continue saying people are hot (which is very “eye of the beholder” anyway) and who cares what they think.

Chris - So answering this is a little awkward because I haven’t answered a question here in ages (I’m really sorry!), but if it helps, I call people I find aesthetically attractive “pretty”, regardless of gender. I’m not really comfortable using the word “hot”, and I feel like “pretty” is a nice safe term to use.

Anonymous asked: a book that has a great example of a family that is not sexual or romantic is "the bean trees" by barbara kingsolver. it's not asexual representation, per se, but has great examples of deep, non-"traditional" relationships.

J.D. - I’m not sure if this is a response to a previous question or not, but I did read this book when I was in high school. Unfortunately, I’ll just have to take your word for it, since all I really remember from the book was that the little girl’s name was Turtle. Haha.