Anonymous asked: So, would having a voyeurism-type kink make a person not asexual (It's the voyeurism anon again)?

Nope! Aces can have kinks, fantasies, fetishes, you name it! The only thing that makes a person ace is whether or not they experience sexual attraction. If you have a voyeurism kink, and you don’t experience sexual attraction, then congrats, you’re an ace with a voyeurism kink!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I know you can't tell me if I'm ace, but please help me make some sense of myself a bit please? I lost my virginity to my boyfriend about 2 years ago, and even from the beginning we had sex 1-2 times a month because I just didn't want it, didn't desire it or anything. And now since January of this month I've just given up on sex completely because I hate how it makes me feel. He doesn't force me but I forced myself and so I stopped. I've never felt sexual attraction as far as I know (cont!)

(cont!) but I do feel a mild desire to be close to my boyfriend, usually to just hold his hands or cuddle, though we do kiss it’s not as big a deal to me. I don’t want to say I don’t experience sexual attraction because I don’t know what it feels like but I think I don’t. Anyways, do you think maybe I’m asexual or do I just hate sex for no reason. I’ve never had any bad sexual experiences to cause this, I just don’t enjoy or want sex. But I do want to get close to someone and be loved. (cont!)

(cont!) I have identified as demisexual for at least a year now, and I’m kinda on the fence about maybe being demiromantic too, but I’m just increasingly feeling less demisexual (or sexual at all) and yet I don’t know if I’m asexual. I find girls very pretty, and I admire their boobs and thighs and such, and I find males just interesting in general, but I don’t feel that it’s maybe sexual feelings. I have no clue. I just feel… no-sexual. Sorry for rambling, I’ve been a bit lost for months now.

Rambling is a-ok!

Honestly, if you feel “no-sexual”, and you think you don’t experience sexual attraction, AND you don’t feel sexual attraction to your boyfriend even after a (presumably) close enough emotional bond was formed, then it sounds like you’re probably asexual. Of course, you’re the only one who can know for sure!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: So there's this guy I like and whenever we're together I get this weird feeling, something I've never had with a crush before. Like when he tickles me or plays with my hair I get this weird tummy flip and I can't stop thinking about kissing him and my body has shown signs of arousal. Am I sexually attracted to him? I've never felt this way before and it's really confusing because the idea of having sex still doesn't appeal to me but I want to be with him and my body seems to want it.

We’re a bunch of asexuals here, so we really can’t answer whether or not you are experiencing sexual attraction to this guy.

However, I can tell you that arousal is a physical thing, and bodies are not always “with it” as far as what our minds want. My best guess is that evolutionarily, our bodies evolved to become aroused when in the presence of someone loved or cared about in a crush-y type of way. I’d guess our bodies think, “Oh, here’s someone that you care about, they’d make a good mate! Procreate!” Which is not terribly practical and can get downright annoying. But anyway.

It’s definitely possible to become aroused without experiencing sexual attraction, without wanting sexual contact, etc. So I’d advise against going by arousal to judge these things!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I've been wondering what type of asexuallity is when a person doesn't feel amy attachment or attraction (towards family,friends,men and women in general,everyone basicay) AT ALL and if that even is considered asexuallity? Also knowing that there are people that feel like me really makes my heart at peace because I can remember feeling like a freak since I was like 13 years old. Oh and I was also wondering, is it possible to overcome asexuallity and become sexual? I hope this hasn't been asked b4

Feeling no attachment to people is not under the umbrella of asexuality. Individuals who are ace may experience this, but it’s not a characteristic of asexuality.

I’m not sure what exactly it is, but it sounds more like asociality, which is “the lack of a strong motivation to engage in social interaction or the preference for solitary activities. Developmental psychologists use the synonyms nonsocial, unsocial, and social disinterest.” (x)

I’ve never heard of cases where people have “overcome” asexuality and felt sexual attraction. Certainly any ace can choose to have sex, or to participate in sexual behaviors, but I don’t know of a case where they experienced sexual attraction as a result of some effort of “overcoming” asexuality.

Some people’s orientations are fluid, though, so not all individuals who once identified as asexual will continue to do so throughout their lives.

-Idra

Anonymous asked: Is the inability/difficulty to open up about your feelings, even with people you love, characteristic of aromanticism or is it an independent quality?

I’d say it’s an independent quality. I’m not aromantic myself, but I’ve met lots of romantic or sexual people who had trouble opening up about their feelings, too, and aromantics who were very open and forthright about their feelings.

I don’t really feel like there’s a correlation, and I definitely feel that aromanticism is about how you experience love internally, not necessarily the ability to communicate that to others.

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I don't know if I'm asexual or not. I'm just weird, when I get into a relationship I just stop wanting to have sex. I enjoy it for a little bit, but i feel like my mind is always on something else. I do sometimes just need to have a release. Is there something wrong with me?

Asexuality refers to sexual attraction (specifically, not experiencing sexual attraction).

What you’re asking about, though, sounds like sexual desire (wanting to have sex) and libido (horniness/sex drive/needing that “release”). It sounds like your sexual desire wanes in a relationship, but that you still have a libido.

I can’t tell you if you’re ace or not, but I can tell you that that’s perfectly normal. It’s perfectly normal to have a libido, to not have one, to have a high one or a low one. It’s just as normal to have sexual desire at some times but not others, to go through phases with it, to feel it more in relationships, to feel it less- anything! Everything in the wide, wide world of sexuality is normal and acceptable, as long as there’s consenting adults involved in any physical acts.

-Idra

Anonymous asked: For the only-romantic-if-male anon: see what role you play depending on what gender you see yourself as. Being genderfluid myself, where I fit in the relationship usually depends on what gender I feel. Sometimes, this reflects roles normally associated with each gender, or the ideas about each gender. Just a thought.

This is a great idea for anyone who feels like that anon, or even to explore your own conceptions of gender & gender roles. Thanks, anon!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I have a similar feeling to a previous anon. When I imagine myself in a relationship, with a guy or girl, I'm always the dominant one, and that sometimes manifests in my imagination as me being a guy. I want to give pleasure, happiness, care for that person, but having someone put me in the 'submissive' or the 'girl' in a traditional relationship makes me uncomfortable. I do like being a woman, and don't particularly want to be a guy.

This ask refers to the anon who was only comfortable imagining romantic relationships if she imagined herself as a boy.

This is another possible reason for those feelings! Thank you for your input, anon~

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I'm sexual but I have a friend that I have major feelings for who is asexual. We kissed a while ago & they seemed willing to be more than friends with me. Since then nothing else has happened & they said they can't do it. I'm reluctant to give up on them because it seems like we both have feelings for each other. How do I let them know that I actually would we willing to enter into any form of relationship they are comfortable with because I like them that much. I'm a bit scared to bring it up.

Ahhhhhh last time an ask like this came up I caught a lot of flak for my answer BUT here goes…

If they’ve clearly expressed to you that they can’t do it, that’s valid, that’s their opinion right now, and you shouldn’t push it further and ask for a relationship with them. They’ve given their clear answer: “I can’t do it.”

The second part is, why do you feel the need to formally have “a relationship” (of whatever kind) with this person beyond being friends? Friends can be closer even than people in relationships, and I’ve definitely done things with friends like cuddling or snuggling (not sure if you want to/if this person wants to, but it’s definitely not outside of the norm). And you clearly kissed while still friends.

I guess I’d just say not to push this person when they’ve clearly said they can’t do it, and to evaluate why you feel it necessary to have a formalized relationship instead of just remaining emotionally close to this person and engaging in whatever activities the two of you would like to do.

-Idra