corporal-raviolli said: Recently I came out to my friends as an asexual and they took it very well, they ask me and I ask them things I don't understand. Everything's fine except for when they start talking about asexuality as a blessing, like we don't experience romantic pain or don't have to worry about anything involving sex or romance at all. I already told them the differences between asexual and aromantic... I don't know but in some way, it upsets me a lot when they tell me they envy me. What do you think?

I think it’s totally fair and justified for you to be upset - and you need to tell them that! Use your words, lovely follower! “It’s really hurtful when you say these things. Being asexual is really hard because” and then talk about erasure, invalidation, pressure, all that stuff that makes it hard. Talk about how their words are wrong and hurtful. Be nice, but teach them. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I want to come out as ace to my family but they're very traditional and probably don't even know asexuality exists. I am afraid they'll just dismiss me as being "immature," or worse that they won't say anything and ignore it altogether. Any advice?

I just answered a similar ask to this one, but it’s in the queue now- alas! So I’ll give you a quick response here, as I’m online currently:

My best advice would be: do not come out to your family.

Really though. Why do you want to come out to them? What are your reasons for doing so? What could you possibly gain from it? And what could you lose?

It’s VERY likely they will say invalidating things, particularly since they’re traditional. That’s why we generally recommend not coming out to family. Why is your personal life any of their business, you know?

If you still feel like you want to come out, we do have some great resources in the FAQ that you can check out, though. I also like recommending the FAQ for parents of asexuals. You can try talking to them individually, which might help. And sometimes explaining how people have romantic AND sexual orientations helps (like, say, if a family member is heterosexual, you could talk about how it’s likely they’re heteroromantic and heterosexual).

But really, think about those reasons. You don’t need to come out.

-Southie

Anonymous said: so, i'm sorry if this question is stupid, is there a difference between being sexually attracted to someone and being non-sex-repulsed and like, say, looking at someone's hands and thinking "man having sex with them would probably be awesome because big hands feel good on my hips during sex"? Because I don't think i feel sexually attracted to people but I do think about that sort of thing sometimes and I can't tell if they're different.

One of my favorite things about some of the asks we get is when you’re really just looking for us to confirm something you already know. Yes, that’s definitely different. 

It’s like in the cake analogy - you don’t ever look at a cake and think “hot damn I gotta have some of that,” but you can look at a cake and go “Y’know, I bet that tastes good.” 

- Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

Anonymous said: last night i told my boyfriend about my vaginismus, which i don't know if it's connected to being ace or not. He said exactly the thing one could hope for in response, that he understood, and that he didn't want to hurt me. As with a lot of the talks we have that lead up to me saying I don't want this or that, I felt so relieved but immediately regret because of how disappointed he couldn't hide his voice from being. I want affection, but sometimes i panic or simply don't want what he does. huh.

Hmm.

Well, it’s great, love, that you have discussed things thoroughly.

And well, I can see the regret, but he partook in that discussion and that it is great that he understands. I suppose it is just human then, to feel a little disappointed.

You’re okay love, don’t worry.

- Blu Cactus

You should talk to this lovely ace who also has vaginismus, if you want some more support. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I'm also uncomfortable with people being attracted to me (but I'm grey-ace) and it even gets to the point where I'll have a panic attack whenever I'm catcalled (frequently occurs where I live) or if I see that post about how people on the street probably fantasize about how your skin feels under your clothes or whatever it said. It disturbs me a lot and I feel guilty because it's not anyone's fault, it just makes me feel so disgusted.

I’m sorry that’s so awful for you, but thank you for sharing your story <3

It’s okay to feel how you do feel. But if you find that this is interfering with your ability to live comfortably, I might talk to a professional about it and see if they have any ideas to help you cope.

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

smrfysmrfysmrf said: To acenon uncomfortable with being around people attracted to them: I'm demi, one of my current best friends is bi and I know she's attracted to me, but I clearly stated that I wasn't interested and she's fine with that. Two and a half years later and we still openly flirt because it's fun and that's always been the nature of our relationship, but she recently admitted that even if I gave her the green light she wouldn't take it because she wouldn't want to hurt the friendship. [part 1/2]

As long as you’re honest with her about it making you uncomfortable and you tell her what your limits are and she respects them, there’s no way that you can’t continue to be friends. As in my case, it may even continue to be one of the best relationships you’ve ever had. [part 2/2]

Thanks for sharing your experience!

enchantedstarfleet said: Hi, I have a quick question for you. So yesterday my mom told me that she thinks I need to go to therapy for claiming to be asexual. She says she doesn't understand it & it doesn't make any sense. I came out about a year ago, so I don't know why this is just coming up now. She basically told me that I'm broken & that I'm a freak who needs mental help. I don't believe any of these things, but it still hurts. She won't listen to me when I try to explain asexuality to her & gets angry. Any advice?

Um, yikes, that’s not okay. Is there anyone you can talk to that can help you in real life? If not, resist as much as it is safe to do. If you’re dependent on your mother, make sure you don’t burned - either by her cutting you off or kicking you out - and maybe have a contingency plan in case things go south. Be very vocal about not consenting to therapy. Maybe print out resources like the excerpts from the DSM-V that clearly show that good therapists don’t treat asexuality as a disorder because it isn’t one - leave the resources around for her to see. 

I also might ask her why, if she doesn’t understand it, why she’s treating it like a problem instead of looking to understand. Offer to explain it to her again. And tell her that her words are hurting you. 

And if she does force you to therapy, the very first thing I’d do in the therapist’s office is ask if they use the DSM-V.  If they don’t, refuse to talk to them. If they do, ask them to get it out and look up asexuality, so you can all start off on the right foot. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: You get that it's necessary for some of us to use "gay" though right? "Gay" has legal protections. "trans" doesn't and "non-sexual lifestyle" is explicitly excluded by case law. Community charity for "queer" is non-existent. The government expects "family or partner" to care for disabled people, so we rely on community charity if we don't have that. Literal life or death. I can be straight or I can be vaguely gay, nothing else. Fight that if you want but if I opt out of that system I die.

I understand that, I really do. I hate that it’s that way. I hate that we have to borrow a term that doesn’t fit us, that was pushed on us by the cishets who are oppressing us, just to get anything resembling our rights as human beings. 

I’m not sure how to be any clearer. Think about the words you use in safe spaces. Think about why you use the words you use always. Do what you need to to be safe. Not a single thing I’ve said is counter to sheltering under the gay umbrella for legal rights. 

But we all should be fighting for more inclusion. I’m not gay, I’m not going to experience much homophobia - but acephobia, sure, and there’s next to no laws to protect me. So I don’t want my experience tied to the gay bandwagon - I want to fight for my own damn rights based on who I am. Anti-homophobia laws do nothing for me. This is why the whole community being referred to as gay is such a huge problem - while all us alphabet soup folks can get some benefits, most of the benefits are for - wait for it - gay folks, mostly men (because misogyny is still hurting homosexual women). So everyone who isn’t strictly gay - all the trans folks, bi folks, pan folks, ace folks, aro folks, everybody - has a harder fight. 

-Kiowa

Tags: Anonymous

Anonymous said: Hey! First i wanna thank you for your blog and the great job you are doing :) I recently discovered that I am demisexual and I came out to my mother (we are very close) and to my best friend and they were totally cool with it and are very supportive... Now I want to speak to my father, but I am a bit scared of the outcome... I just want to talk to him so he will quit pestering me with questions about my lovelife (when are you gonna get a boyfriend? bla bla...). What to do? Thanks!!!

You don’t really need to come out specifically. You could try telling him to back off your love life matters instead, as they aren’t his business and it’s none of his concern. You could say, if it happens, it happens. It isn’t just some thingy that you go about and say, “it’s time” then prance off into the sunset to obtain a boyfriend.

Though if you want to come out to him, you could say all those things plus add in that you are demisexual, and you can explain that to him.

It’s up to you, love.

- Blu Cactus

Anonymous said: The thing is I don't feel sexual attraction towards people but I am confused because I don't know if I'm asexual or demisexual. In my head I could imagine myself sexually attracted to someone later in a relationship after having formed a bond. But the thing is I've never been in a relationship so I don't know how to feel. Can identify as demisexual or should I identify as an asexual ?

You can identify however feels the most comfortable to you, y’know?

The thing is- even though you can imagine becoming sexually attracted later on in a relationship, you don’t really know if that’s going to happen. It’s like how sometimes I’ll think- oh, I know I’m really going to enjoy this party! But then I’ll get to the party and won’t like it. And I’ll wait and think- maybe I need to give it a chance? And then- nope, still don’t like the party.

Personally, I’m demiromantic and I wouldn’t have identified that way before I actually experienced romantic attraction. Because I had no idea whether that would actually happen. I never wanted a relationship before experiencing romantic attraction, but (for instance) I know someone else who’s demiromantic and who always dreamed of having relationships and thought she would experience romantic attraction, but it wasn’t until actually experiencing it that she knew for sure.

So yeah, if demisexual feels like a better label, then you can use it- but I want to caution you because imagining you might develop sexual attraction doesn’t mean you will. You don’t even have to label yourself at all, y’know? Or you could say “ace” for now, instead of specifying asexual/demisexual/grey-ace/etc.

-Southie