Asexual Advice

Neth - I’m not sure what you could do to convince her otherwise, hopefully time will let her see the truth. I can sympathise, my mom is still half convinced that I’m in a phase, and like you we don’t talk on it much.

What I can say is that you aren’t alone in being an asexual who was the victim of childhood sexual abuse, or abuse in the wider sense, but there are also plenty of asexuals who weren’t. Just like any other group we have a diversity of histories, experiences and backgrounds and none of them invalidate any other part of us. Including being asexual.

So sympathies on your mom, hopefully she’ll realise she’s wrong in time. 

Neth - If she’s asexual, her not feeling comfortable having sex with you isn’t anything to do with you, as strange as it may seem. That she’s had sex in the past doesn’t change it, she says she regrets it and she may not have been comfortable with it then, regrets it and doesn’t want to force herself into it again. 

So her not wanting sex with you isn’t a reflection on how she feels for you in any way, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

If you both keep this in then it wont be good for your relationship, no, if you feel hurt it could lead to you feeling resentful with definitely wont be good. So the two of you need to be open and honest with each other, about what you want, what you need and what your boundries are.

And though it is hard to do, don’t take it personally, it isn’t a reflection on you. It’s just who she is.

Neth - Your experience isn’t unusual, thinking about something, contemplating something and actually going through with it, actually wanting to do it in reality are different things. 

What you need to do is to talk your partner, for both of you to be honest and open and understanding of the other, respectful. Beyond that, I can’t say, I can’t tell either of you what to do with your bodies but talk.

Liz - I think that morality is a very relative thing that isn’t always relevant (particularly in coming out). Are you comfortable telling her about your asexuality? Are you also comfortable telling her about your homoromanticism? You don’t have to come out as both at the same time to the same people, especially if you’re worried about her reaction.

Coming out has little to do with morality, in my opinion, because it is about your personal comfort level and safety. Morality is very subjective, but don’t let people convince you that you are morally required to come out. You’re not. Coming out is a personal decision (or several decisions), and it is entirely up to you when (or if) you do it.

Neth - You are not alone, and you don’t have to spend your life alone. 

What you’re going through is fairly common for romantic asexuals, we’re brought up in a world where sex is seen as a vital part of a romantic relationship and most potential partners are sexual so wanting to want that, wanting to enjoy that, isn’t strange. And that’s aside from issues around libido.

Being confused isn’t unusual, most of us are when we’re figuring ourselves out. Being scared isn’t that odd either. But the best thing you can do is talk to your girlfriend, explain how you feel and what’s going on and be honest but considerate of her. I’m sure she can tell something is going on and is worrying about it too, and she has the right to know. Hopefully though, such a discussion could be a big help to the both of you.

Neth - Well, panromantic is used to describe attraction to all genders, not just two. Though sometimes it’s used to mean more than two even if it isn’t all but the word you’re looking for is biromantic.

And I think that would make you a biromantic heterosexual.

If you are romantically attracted to people outside the binary then yeah, panromantic but if it’s just the two it’s biromantic.

Hope that helps!

Neth - Thank you for sharing your story with us, it sounds like you’ve had a journey!

It’s important for you to know that being asexual doesn’t mean you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. Many asexuals form deep, meaningful and committed relationships with others, both romantic and aromantic. Sometimes with other asexuals, sometimes with graces and sometimes with sexuals. And sometimes those sexuals are okay and fine with not having sex again, not seeing it as big a deal as others might.

So, being asexual doesn’t mean you’ll always be alone.

Neth - Happy to be of help!