Asexual Advice: Archive

I've never been in a relationship, sexual, romantic or otherwise and I'm pretty sure I don't want to be. I've never been attracted that way to anyone I've ever met. That said, I do get crushes on celebrities, singers or whatever but it's always fantasy. I'd never actually want to have sex with them or anything......and I can become aroused but it's pretty much only when reading porn or very occasionally watching it. So does the complete non-interest in a relationship or sex make me asexual? Or is that all debunked by the fact that I like to save pictures of actors. I was just a bit confused, I'd be grateful for any advice. :)

Emi- All that isn’t debunked by saving pics of actors, I tend to get that way about fictional characters. Lack or interest in any kind of romantic relationship would make one aromantic, lack of sexual attraction and/or interest in sex would make one asexual..so I would go by.

Feb 28, 20112 notes

For the previous anon, How to Say Goodbye in Robot by Natalie Standiford is a YA novel about a strong, non-romantic, non-sexual relationship between a straight girl and a boy whose sexuality is deliberately left ambiguous (there's even a paragraph where the girl, in response to someone asking if he's gay, muses that she doesn't know if he likes boys or girls, and that he probably just doesn't like anybody). Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron (which I haven't read yet) was also suggested in a thread on AVEN about potential asexual coming of age books, and Boy Proof by Cecil Castellucci has a character who IS sexual (probably heterosexual, too), but who deliberately tries to make herself impervious to sexual attention and, despite interest in another character, ends up single and happy at the end. And Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan doesn't have any explicitly (or even probably) asexual characters, but it does mention asexuality (pretty much correctly) two different times and there's a small monologue from one character to another talking about how the prioritization of sexual/romantic over platonic love is completely absurd, and there's a line like, "I don't want to SCREW you, I just LOVE you!" Also there aren't any books specifically about asexuality, but A History of Celibacy of Elizabeth Abbott might be of interest, particularly since there are some passages about people who were celibate because they just didn't seem interested.

J.D. - Oh, I haven’t heard of any of those except for Will Grayson, Will Grayson (which I’ve also read, and you’re right—I distinctly remember asexuality being mentioned too). Thanks!

Feb 27, 20113 notes

Do you know any books / novels related to asexuality? Doesn't matter if it's reference, self-help or fiction etc. I find that it's extremely hard to find any books about asexuality!

J.D. - Fiction is my specialty, and you’re absolutely right - there isn’t very much out there that I know of, especially with asexual characters who actually COME OUT as asexual, or books that focus on the whole coming to terms with one’s asexual identity. Here’s some books with asexual characters that I know of, though: On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan, The Bone People by Keri Hulme, and Guardian of the Dead by Karen Healey (a character actually comes out as asexual in this book). There was also one time when I wrote about the character Haruhi Fujioka on my blog. If you’re more interested in books JUST about asexuality (or scientific studies on the subject), you’ll probably have a really hard time finding something, although it seems more research is being done than ever before. You can also find a good list of other supposed asexual fictional characters HERE.

There are also some great blogs out there that focus on asexuality if you look around. One of my favorites is Asexy Beast by Ily, and you can find a list of other blogs on hers as well.

Feb 27, 201114 notes

Hi folks. I'm really, really confused. I'm biologically female, but I've always detested that part of myself and I get so uncomfortable when referred to or treated as female. Problem is, there's no way I could transition in my current situation and even if there was.... I'm not sure if I'd want to. I mean, I definitely don't want to be female, but I guess I'd rather just be somewhere in between. But treated as a guy. It's so complicated. Also, I've never been in any kind of relationship. As far as I can tell, I don't think I'll ever want to be. The idea of that kind of intimacy, either sexual, romantic or not, I'm just not interested. But I do have sexual urges, and satisfy them by watching or reading porn, female, male whatever. And I do find certain people attractive, like celebrities. But never anyone in real life, and even if I do like famous people, I still have no desire to sleep with them or anything..... I can't stress enough how little I care for having actual sex or a relationship. So, does that make me asexual? Aromantic? Genderqueer? I'm just trying to figure everything out.

Liz - It sounds like you might be genderqueer. Think about whether or not you’d transition if there was a possible way. If you’d like to bind. If it would feel better for people to refer to you with male pronouns. Being genderqueer (or even FtM) doesn’t mean you need to have surgery or take hormones.

Being asexual means not feeling sexual attraction. I find certain people attractive aesthetically, but I really don’t want to have sex with them. There are asexuals who have sex drives and read/watch porn and/or masturbate. From what you say, it’s possible that you’re asexual. If you don’t want a relationship at all, then you might be aromantic as well. It’s up to you to decide what fits you.

Feb 26, 2011

I know this isn't advice and I know it has probably been several thousand times before now, but I really just wanted to put it in here again for good measure. I see a lot of people on this blog wondering whether or not they are an asexual and needing some reassurance of classification for what they are "exactly." It's odd to me that they put so much faith in other people's classifications of a word as opposed to just going with what they believe to be who they are. I identify as an asexual, though by some definitions I could be a gray-A or even a demisexual. I don't identify as these things though. I believe, truly, that I am an asexual and that's what matters at the end of the day, is it not? I want people to understand that it doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you less-of or more-of anything; if you believe that you're an asexual, there shouldn't be much more argument about it. This of course wouldn't be true if someone was "deciding" to be an asexual or "deciding" to be anything, but more if that's how you feel... Yeah, I just want people to know that the definition or label shouldn't matter as much as the depth of your being. It's not the word that makes you who you are, it's who you are.

Emi- I agree with this completely.

Chris- Exactly.

Feb 25, 2011

I've tried telling my parents and close friends that I'm asexual at least ten times. They always respond with, "You just haven't met the right person," "You're not trying," or "I don't believe in asexuality." I know this is stupid, but I'm starting to feel like they might be right and there's something wrong with me. Help!

Emi- You know yourself better than anyone else, don’t let their discouraging statements lead you to believe that you’re not what you believe that you clearly are. There’s nothing wrong with you, I really don’t know why they say the same things but I’d suggest trying again, showing them the AVEN website and calmly asserting that yes, this is what I am.

Feb 24, 20114 notes

Why can't people reblog your posts? Am I just missing the button? I saw a post that didn't get a very thorough answer and wanted to reblog it with a comment so the asker might be able to find another resource, but there was no way to reblog.

J.D. - You can’t reblog asks on Tumblr, unfortunately. If you want to add something, you can just submit it like an ask and we’ll post it.

Feb 23, 2011

I identify as a queer, neutrois, poly, kinky grey-A (possibly more demi-like) and am headed to my first kink play party next weekend. I know all the etiquette in theory (mostly, how not to intrude), but am getting very anxious about actually interacting and negotiating something that I want. I've had a lot of difficulties articulating boundaries and navigating consent in the past, since I'm rarely sure what would be okay with me and what is a good/personal kind of curiousity. There's also the body dysphoria piece to balance. I really want this to be a positive experience and am so excited for the opportunity. Still, I am very nervous and don't want to overextend myself. So, my questions: Tips on navigating BDSM scenes with body dysphoria and uncertainty around sex? General tips on negotiating consent? Links to kinky grey-A/ace blogs etc. (all I know of is Verbs not Nouns, and of course Asexual and Kinky on Fetlife)? Actually, grey-A blogs/resources in general, too? I recognize only two of the volunteer profiles mention demi anywhere, one mentions neutrois, and none mention kink or grey...but whatever advice you might have, I would greatly appreciate it. :)

Emi- I can’t say I’m experienced in this area at all but my advice regarding consent and boundaries, you would have to make it clear what you’re open to and what you are uncomfortable with and be sure to respect others’ consent and boundaries as well.

Feb 23, 20114 notes

For a couple of years I identified myself as asexual, never desired, never tempted, never wanted it, sex actually scared me a lot and I didn't feel comfortable around my opposite gender. Then I got a partner whom I truly and deeply love, after dating for 6-7 months we gave our virginities to each other and have a active sexual life now 1 year later. But I feel sometimes I miss being asexual, to just walk around and never have to care for sex and not letting it be a part of me... And now it's a big part of me. Should I be ashamed for letting someone take away my belief, or happy for have found love with someone?

Liz - You shouldn’t be ashamed at all. It could be that you weren’t asexual, that you were always demisexual. And that’s fine. It doesn’t mean that your partner took away your belief, it means that you found someone who makes you happy. I think that’s something to be happy about.

Mousy: There is no shame in becoming sexual, just as there is no shame in being asexual. You are who you are. There is no “letting someone take away your belief”. No one can change you if you weren’t ready for it. Congratulations on finding love.

Feb 22, 2011

What does the word 'sexual' really even mean?

Liz - I guess it depends on the context. Sexual attraction is finding someone appealing in the way that you would like to have sex with them. Being sexual means having sexual attraction to other people. If you want to go back to what “sex” is, that tends to depend on who you talk to.

Feb 21, 2011

Is it possible for an asexual person to have been aroused before? When I think or imagine myself having sex or masterbating I get turned off. I don't want sex but I do masterbate. I don't masterbate out of sexual needs though, only pleasure. I also become unaware of my body when I masterbate. To me, it's like scratching an inch on your back that you normally couldn't reach. Nothing more and nothing less.

Emi- That definitely is possible. Masturbating seems to have little to do with whether one is asexual or not, it’s primarily about sexual attraction to other people.

J.D. - Right. Arousal is possible for everyone - asexual or not - unless you have some sort of physical/biological dysfunction, which is different. Or you just have a really low or nonexistent sex drive. Again, asexuality is not a biological issue or anything, it’s a sexual orientation.

Feb 20, 20111 note

I'm an ace in a homoromantic relationship, which I am fairly open to discussing because people are usually going, "Wait...how does that even work?" I try not to discuss it too much least I be one half of those annoying couples that never shut up about their significant other. Of late, a friend of mine has been talking about romantic issues - are boys in her league, boy and girl cuteness and so forth and asking my opinions on the matter. She's aware I'm ace and that I don't notice these things, but insists on discussing them with me anyway. I've tried to let her know that this isn't a subject I'm okay discussing, but she proceeds to ignore any hint. If you can suggest any means of commuicating with her that I'd rather not have these discussions without sounding like a massive hypocrite, I'd be deeply grateful. Thanks.

J.D. - I don’t understand how you see yourself as a hypocrite? Is it just because you’re a romantic asexual and in a relationship? If you’ve already told her that these conversations are out of your depth and that you’re unable to offer any advice, tell her to get over herself, stop with her bullshit, and pay attention to who she’s actually blabbing to for once. Seriously, some people really do need to know up front like that because they are THAT self-centered and oblivious.

Feb 19, 20111 note

I asked the extremely gay president of my LGBT society (holding out for some understanding) at college if he had met any asexuals, and it took him alot of effort not to laugh in my face. I suggested send a message welcoming them or inviting them to join in activities. He proceeded to tell me that there weren't any asexuals at our college, or so few it doesn't matter. Other people under the LGBT umbrella aren't necessarily understanding, and I agree asexuality seems to be gaining, albeit slowly, popularity. It will take its course, just as homosexuality did in the 20th century until it is widely accepted. Whilst it may remain unpopular, you are not alone. On that note- thanks to the runners of this blog. I enjoy reading other people's experiences and it gives me the support I need, cheers!

Liz - That was a ridiculous way for him to react. I’m sure that there are more at your campus than he realizes, including some who might not actively identify as such or have not heard the term and therefore don’t have the opportunity to identify as such. And thank you for reading! I’m glad we can help. =]

J.D. - Tell him that while he’s at it, he should just quit fighting for LGBT rights altogether. I mean, who cares, it’s just 10 percent of the population, right? Seriously, what a jerk.

Feb 18, 20112 notes

I've been uninterested in romantic or sexual relationships for many years now, though I have previously had numerous sexual relationships (in hindsight, the romantic aspect was merely curiosity-fueled infatuation). After recently finding the AVEN site and looking up the various definitions and types of asexuality I discovered I fit the gray-A asexual aromantic type, as I have a very specific conditional desire for a certain type of relationship that is highly unlikely to happen, as I have no interest in pursuing it (i.e. it's a fantasy that would be nice, yet it's not something I actively want). This is also how I see my sexual attraction to others, in that while I can be turned on by someone's aesthetics and find them sexy, it does not go beyond that fantasy stage. Actually having sex or even a romantic relationship holds no interest for me regardless of my attraction to the person. I have seen it stated that merely having sexual attraction makes one not asexual, yet I'd still consider demisexual to be a form of asexuality since it's conditional upon certain factors that if not present would not enable sexual attraction, and the same goes for the other gray-A subtypes. I believe that this variance within asexuality is a good thing because it is broad enough to fit a wide range of types of attraction while allowing the analysis of attraction and categorizing it with helpful labels. Adhering to a strict definiton of a sexuality label sets up an exclusivity dynamic and a hierarchy where acceptance of variance within the group is shut out, which results in rigidity that implies shame based on one's preferences (see: the debates about heteronormativity and how it's affected homosexuality, and also acceptance of non-monosexuality within homosexual spaces). tl;dr - I wrote all that because I have felt undertones of "you're not really asexual because of X, Y, Z" in various asexual spaces, and I'd like to see more discussion about the varied labels under the asexual umbrella. To me, the definition of asexual is more the lack of interest in having a normative relationship, rather than whether an asexual feels (sexual) attraction to others. Society dictates and defines a "normal" relationship as having a combination of certain characteristics that set asexual relationships as a whole outside of this "normal" relationship definition, making asexual another sexuality of a sort that is also somewhat different than homosexual relationships as relating to heterosexual relationships. I suppose I'm asking for your thoughts on this, to make this a relevant asking for advice of a sort. As a disclaimer, I began thinking about all this because I have lived through a couple decades of seeing various discussions within queer spaces about sexuality (since I also consider myself queer because my attraction to someone is not gender-based) and see the same sort of definition spats in asexual spaces about who really belongs, and it's troubling to me.

J.D. - You probably see a lot of strictness and rigidity in the labels of asexuality simply because it’s still a very new concept to most people. Most people still don’t know anything about it, and therefore, very, very clear, strict definitions are helpful to those who are experiencing confusion. I’m sure you’ve noticed already how many questions we get on here that are simply a variant of, “Am I really asexual?” and our reluctance to answer such questions.

I do agree though that the asexual community elsewhere should be more open to the ideas you’re talking about. But it’s just especially difficult sometimes when relating this discourse to people outside the community and those unfamiliar with queer identity in general. To those who are familiar, asexuality (and terms such as “grey-A”) can still be pretty nebulous and a lot of people seem to be uncomfortable with that when trying to figure out where they fit.

Feb 17, 20115 notes

I've identified as asexual for two years now and have always felt that when the time came, I'd have no problem being in a nonsexual, romantic relationship. Upon some recent soul-searching, I've begun to question whether or not I would actually want to be in a romantic relationship. When I think about being in a relationship, I feel awkward and somewhat uncomfortable, like I don't think I could bring myself to actually be intimate with someone even on a nonsexual level. I don't know if this is because I've never really had a real relationship or if there's the possiblity that I could also be aromantic.... Any thoughts? :)

Emi- What I can tell you is that you’re definitely not the only one in that situation. I have definitely questioned the same thing myself because I personally doubt if I’ll be able to get close to anyone, or even want to get close to anyone. I’m not sure if either of us are aromantic, but there shouldn’t be too much harm in trying something if the time came, and if one didn’t really get anything out of the relationship, then perhaps one is aromantic.

Feb 16, 20112 notes

Hi, guys. Whenever I'm lonely like I am now, I doubt myself since the way I feel is just different enough from everything else I've read to make me wonder, so I'd just like an opinion. Sex is fascinating to me. I read erotica and occasionally watch porn, I like both. I like to think about sex and fantasize about my characters having sex. I masturbate because it feels great and my bits are incredibly sensitive, so it doesn't take much for me to get physically aroused or to orgasm. I like orgasming when it's me doing it, but my orgasms with other people have been less intense and pleasurable as a whole, and also the gross parts are distracting, which is pretty much all of it. I have an intense dislike for kissing, but I love to cuddle and hug and hold hands, and I even like to be groped if I think nothing more is expected of me. I had a boyfriend for all four years of high school. He was my first and my last, and we were celibate for the first three years because I just... didn't think about it for two and a half years, and then awkwardly tried to reconcile "not interested in sex or kissing" with "interested in being groped and cuddling." We broke up about six months ago because he told me to "stop lying to myself." Asexual, y/n? Grey-A? It's the part where I actually like good porn that gets me confused.

Emi- From what I’ve seen, there are asexuals who watch porn, enjoy cuddling, and even groping, or none of the above. The main thing is if you have no interest in sex and/or am not sexually attracted to anyone, one would be asexual. If it fits, I’d say go with it if you’re comfortable.

Feb 15, 20111 note

Have you ever heard of a biromantic homosexual? Because though I've dated guys and am attracted to them, I'm repulsed by the idea of having sex with them. However, I'm much more open to the idea of sex with a girl. Thoughts?

J.D. - I personally haven’t heard of anyone identifying as such, but I suppose it’s possible. Why not? Sexuality is usually more complicated than not, and if you’ve managed to find a label that fits you comfortably, well done.

Liz - Yes, I have; one of my friends actually identifies as such. If there are asexuals who are romantic, it stands to reason that there can be sexuals with varying romantic attractions.

Feb 14, 20115 notes

I'm a queer sexual girl in a long-distance relationship with my best friend in the world. She identifies as asexual, and I knew that going in. She has told me about having relatively successful sexual relationships in the past, but has severe anxiety about the whole area of physical intimacy. She got anxious and felt like she was just generally a really big bottom in bed, if anything. I know about this going in, and we said that we would find a way to make this work for both of us. Since then (over the course of the past year), I have tried to broach the topic a few times and open up a conversation about what, if anything, she felt comfortable with, what she was looking for and what I was looking for. I didn’t want to make any moves toward intimacy or sex without talking about it beforehand (like anything we are 100% cuddle zone but that is it) for fear of making her uncomfortable. However, she gets so anxious and uncomfortable just talking about it that we can’t have any sort of conversation about it. I feel caught. I don’t want to police her identity or place any expectations on her or pressure her into having sex at all. But the fact that we can’t have a frank conversation about this part of our life places a strain on our relationship. It’s just not a settled issue. I want to be a good partner to her and respect her. Yet the status quo of not knowing where we stand upsets me, but my trying to talk about the subject upsets her. In short, I am at a loss! I want to be a good, non-pressuring sexual partner to my rocking asxual girlfriend, but right now I am just flapping in the wind on my own out here.

Emi- A conversation between the two of you has to take place if this is going to be resolved, a frank, honest discussion on what’s going on. I suggest being patient and polite about your concerns. I think when trying to approach the subject with her, you would need to be rather gentle about it, and definitely not accusatory or anything. From there, I’d see where the conversation goes.

Feb 13, 20113 notes

Hello! I was referred to this tumblr by a friend- I am a 22 year old straight female, living with my boyfriend of three years. When I was younger, I masturbated a lot, thinking about both guys and girls, and I was sexually attracted to my partners. I never particularly enjoyed the act of sex itself ( I have never had an orgasm from sex, including oral). Recently however, I have had zero desire to have any sexual interaction. I wouldn't care if I never had sex again. Not only that, but sex is very painful (all positions, even oral), and almost always ends in tears. I have seen the doctor, and I have no physical issues or infections. I am on anti-depressants and birth control, which lessen libido, but don't seem to explain the pain. I feel it is unfair to ask my boyfriend to live without that part of a relationship- and I would give anything to be 'normal'- to enjoy having sex and be a more sexual person. My mother came out as a lesbian six years ago, and lives with her partner- but she has never really had a relationship that has been more than a friendship. She has even said to me "I don't do that kind of stuff," and "I'm not sure if I like either sex..." I have suspected she may in fact be asexual, and I am considering it may be a possibility for myself, but I don't know much about it at all. Any advice?

Emi- I think it’s definitely possible for you and your mother both to be asexual but I don’t think physical pain is necessarily a part of it. As for your boyfried, I really not sure about what to do there, I would be honest with him about what you’re going through and try it from there. It may work out, it may not, I wish the best for you.

J.D. - This seems to be more of a physical problem (and possibly psychological) which you should seek other help for I think, if you are able to. You might be asexual, but these issues aren’t a direct result of that…there’s definitely more to it. Good luck.

Feb 12, 2011

I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not. I've never actually had sex, and in the past few months I discovered the terms 'panromantic' and 'demisexual' and those seemed to fit me -- I can only imagine doing something sexual with someone I really loved and care deeply about, but even then.. the thought of doing anything sexual doesn't really turn me on or anything. I've had dreams about sex before and in the dreams, it's sometimes enjoyable, but when I wake up I'm absolutely repulsed. there's been a few times when I wonder what sex is like, but mostly it just sounds really gross to me... would you consider me demisexual? and... I was wondering if any of you had experience or advice when people think that asexuality, or even experiencing less sexual attraction than "normal" (being grey-a, etc.) is "weird" or means you're "cold" or "something is wrong with you." even some of my friends don't believe asexuality exists or when it's brought up they just make jokes and say things like "I love sex, I could never do that", as if it's a choice. and honestly it really hurts sometimes, and I don't know how to respond. I guess mostly I just really needed to rant because there's no one to talk to about this, so I'm sorry this is so long. thanks. <3

Emi- I think if the term fits, you can go with it if you’re comfortable. I’ve gone through the exact same thigns, it’s really hurtful and I think perhaps if you can explain patiently what those comments do to you, maybe they’ll understand. If they don’t respect your views, I think it’s time to find some new people to hand out with.

Neth - Well, you seem to know how you feel for the most part which is the main thing. But I’d like to point out that a common misconception about asexuals is that we never have sex or that our ‘parts’ don’t work in a way that allows us to feel pleasure if they’re stimulated. Neither of those things are true. Asexuals can and do have sex with their partners if they’re sexual. Something they wouldn’t do outside of the relationship for one reason or another. It’s just that sex isn’t the big thing for us that it is for sexual people, even if our sexual organs are telling the ace person that it feels kind of nice.

It varies. But none of that means the asexual in question is demi. Being demi is about feeling sexual attraction towards another if you’ve formed that emotional connection with them. It’s easy to get the two things mixed up, especially with some of the modes of thought going around about us, but they aren’t the same.

Well…. are your friends straight, or gay even? If they’re straight point out that they don’t want to have sex with the same gender, if they’re gay then point out they don’t want sex with the other. It isn’t a choice, it’s just what they feel and it’s a part of them. Same thing for you, it’s just that the ‘do not want’ extends further. It’s no more you choosing that than they choose who they aren’t sexually attracted to or a colour blind person decides to perceive colour differently. It’s a hard thing for people who aren’t asexual to understand at times, especially if they’re pretty sexual themselves and add on top how being sexual is seen as the norm and thrown around all over the place? I hope they start to understand soon.

Feb 11, 20117 notes

Asexual Advice

February 2011

31 posts