Asexual Advice

J.D. - Sexuality is so complicated…I honestly don’t know. I want to say yes and no at the same time. Gray-A or maybe demi? I’m not sure.

Bridget-I mean, I think so, yeah, because sexual *attraction* does not equal libido or capacity for sexual arousal. You know?

J.D. - If it’s something that’s going to make you completely miserable, you might want to take that into consideration…especially in the long-term. It’s probably really hard though because you care so much about him…but you have to try to understand that you’re going to have to make some kind of sacrifice either way.

Bridget-Talk to him. A lot. Establish your feelings about sex as a connection in painfully specific ways, because, as I explain to anyone I’m with, “you need to be super objective about these things like you’re speaking to an android.” Not like he’s dumb, just, a lot of things that make a lot of sense to sexual people confuse us and go over our heads and it’s sort of scary and stressful to ask about. In the same boat, see if you can get some needle-in-hay specific details on his boundaries, such as whether he’s repulsed or if any kind of compromise can be made. As far as that goes .. … (provided it goes in a “we can try this” direction).. .. ..  If as a connection you want him to be experiencing the same kind of feelings you are feeling during such acts, you are fighting a losing battle, but there are emotional components and a certain intensity to sex that even asexuals can experience. Beyond that, beyond all of it, where there’s a will there’s a way.. but don’t let it hurt your feelings too much—be aware that what he does or does not experience in a sexual realm, he’s still been with you and dedicated to you for this long so he doubtlessly cares deeply for you and you should not feel at all unwanted.

J.D. - People meet on AVEN a lot I think (even though it’s not specifically a dating site or anything). Maybe start there first…if you haven’t already? Acebook is another place, which is specifically an asexual dating site. In real life, I have no idea if any clubs like that even exist. Probably not. There are asexual meet-ups from time to time though.

Bridget—Go out and be an asexual stud! Your asexuality does not preclude you from dating the entire sexual spectrum, and really just weeds out those who have an unspoken desire for sex. That implicit demand of sexuality that society suggests exists? It’s kind of a farce. In the real world, it’s not unspoken and like all things pertains to mutual communication. So, like, go meet a guy! Date the heck out of that guy! And if he says asexuality is a dealbreaker, he’s a dealbreaker, and you can go find a better one who respects your boundaries. Just remember that you’re talking about your own feelings and not the idea of a distant set of feelings!

J.D. - If she’s not really being responsive, I’d just let it be. It doesn’t seem like she’s even trying to really understand at all…or she doesn’t care? It doesn’t seem like she’s being a good friend in general, regardless of whether or not she gets it.

J.D. - This is kind of a divided issue, from what I’ve seen. Personally, I think asexuals should be a part of the LGBTQ community because we’re non-heteronormative and subsequently marginalized because of it. People also often overlook the T part of LGBTQ, which actually has nothing to do with sexuality anyway, but with gender. Should someone who is trans but also straight not be considered part of the LGBTQ community? You should tell your friend to remember that.

Bridget - Respect breeds respect. Understand why the LGBTQ community might feel that asexuality should not be included in its umbrella. Continue to expand your personal clarity on why you feel that we should. I refuse to disclose my personal feelings on the matter in a public forum, because, well, it is a super controversial issue, but my point here is that everyone is entitled to what he or she believes is right and ultimately empirical truth wins in the end. Because this is a battle of semantic politics charged by strong personal emotions, it gets hectic fast, but don’t let it get you down too hard. Remember that it doesn’t erase you. I’m having a hard time telling you how to deal with it because I am unclear as to what part you find the most upsetting but would be stoked to discuss it further if you dropped another ask.

Neth - My view tends to be that as we’re not part of the cis-heterosexual majority then yeah we’re LGBTQ/LGBTetc/QUILTBAG contingent. No question. Heteroromantics and all. Though some take the view that the heteroromantics who’re also cis don’t count I disagree with that cause even for them their experiences do not fit that of the majority in a way that relates to a sexuality. So yeah. And if any particular ace doesn’t want to identify that way, that’s fine, but I don’t like it being dictated to us who try to split us up even if I can in the logical part of my brain understand why some do that.

J.D. - You’re welcome!

Mousy: Intuitively, if you don’t want a romantic relationship, I think it would make sense to say that you are aromantic.

When it comes to liking kisses and cuddles, how about saying that you are physically affectionate? Some people do cuddle and kiss their friends.

The concept of only wanting one person to cuddle but being open to the person having other relationship is probably the more tricky part. For that, I don’t have an answer.

That said, not everyone fits neatly into the romantic/aromantic dichotomy. Maybe you don’t. Similarly, relationships don’t all fit into friendship/romantic relationship dichotomy.

You said you don’t want a romantic relationship. What about a queerplatonic relationship? If you aren’t already familiar with the concept, I would recommend Sciatrix’s post on the word “zucchini” for a start.

J.D. - Well, you know yourself best. Don’t let other people tell you how you should feel, and maybe no proper labels really fit you at all. Just see what fits you BEST. It’s really never too late to identify as one thing or the other—it can be confusing for a lot of people. I’ve actually had a similar sort of crisis, where I thought I might be homoromantic in theory, but not in practice or something. I can’t really explain it. But asexual seems to fit me the best. It’s not so easy to compartmentalize yourself sometimes.

Cont….  It’s especially insulting because it invalidates my relationship with my boyfriend (who is also asexual.) Since I’m moving several states away for school I won’t have to deal with these particular people, but do you have advice for dealing with people like this in the future? Have any of you dealt with something like this?

Neth - Not myself all that much though I’ve heard of others going through it a fair bit. I’m 24 and when I came out to my mom I got the response as though I was going to ‘grow out of it’, and it wasn’t that long age that I came out to her, sort of implying that it meant I wasn’t yet an adult. 

The fact that sex is so intwined with adulthood and serious relationships is a big issue for the asexual community. There’s no quick fix answer that anybody has found but you aren’t alone in this, I can promise you that.

J.D. - We get this question quite a lot. But all you can really do is tell her how you feel. She might come around eventually, she might not. Asexuality is still a new concept to most people, and most people are really stubborn and not so open-minded to really new ideas that throw a lot of preconceived notions into question (which asexuality does for a lot of people). If she doesn’t come around, hopefully you have friends who will understand, or who will at least put forth the effort and try.

J.D. - Demiromantic seems to be a rather new term, but yes, people do seem to identify with it.

Neth - As a demiromantic (demi-panromantic) we do exist and we are out there. Some people use greyromantic too though that isn’t as common and unlike the demisexual/gray-ace definition split (though some see demi as a part of the gray-ace umbrella) there isn’t a clear distinction between the two yet. 

For some it’s that they only really feel romantic feelings for a person once they’ve gotten to know them rather than crush on a person they don’t know, for some it’s that they very rarely have romantic feelings, some that they do get them but they don’t grow that strong (in the romantic direction, platonic may still be strong and there you come up to questions about what’s the difference). Some are just some sort of nebulous place between romantic and aromantic and don’t know how to define it or word it.

In which ever case it doesn’t mean we can’t like the idea of a romantic relationship. 

And we’re here, we exist. 

Bridget — I’d like to call this out as something other than an issue of labels-and I don’t mean that in a condescending way. Society has set up relationships in this overly specific and somewhat black and white way. In real life, any “relationship” is just a connection between two people. Or, I guess for poly-kids, more, but the point is that it’s about you and the other person. Not about the title. There doesn’t have to be a title. The label does not get to define your relationship—YOU get to define your relationship AND its title. If you don’t feel comfortable with the term “relationship,” don’t use it, or redefine it into what you want it to be. Anything you want it to be. 

J.D. - That’s a legitimate fear that we all have. I’m honestly afraid now that all my friends are done with college, they’re all gonna get started on their own lives and get married and then I won’t even have friends anymore either.

Chris- I’m sure things will work out, whether it’s with your family, ace friends, or friends of yours who didn’t end up getting married. But if all else fails, there’s always pets. ;P

Bridget - We’re all afraid of that sometimes. Every single one of us-even the aromantics, who get caught up in deep platonic feelings that get messy. But… the best part is.. you totally won’t be. You’re totally loveable. Everything that’s great about you is still totally great and other people can see it and truly, truly love you and not abandon you and take into account your feelings. Don’t worry. If anything you’ll be forced to find a caliber of people to be close to more capable of respecting your feelings, but you most certainly won’t be alone.

J.D. - I don’t think there’s a specific term for it, although, some romantic asexuals claim they want physical intimacy. But I’m not sure if the romantic/aromantic divide is really appropriate because romantic attraction appears A LOT more nebulous than just “I want to kiss you and hold your hands.”

J.D. - I think you pretty much figured it out on your own within your questions. Sexual attraction has to do with a willingness to be sexually intimate with someone, as I understand it. If you’re not really interested in that, you’re probably asexual.

Bridget - Sexual attraction is hard to quantify and can be deconstructed more than it occurs to most sexuals to do. Wanting to hold hands and cuddle is attraction but not sexual attraction—I hope that helps a little bit. I would say it has less to do with “willingness,” as J.D. suggested (though I know where he’s coming from) and more with “interest.”

J.D. - There are people out there who may be willing to make that sacrifice for you. Or maybe you’ll find someone who can make some kind of compromise, you know? It’s possible. It’s also possible to find another asexual who is interested in raising a family (I just got done answering a question previously about this, so there you go!).

Neth - There are sexuals out there willing to be in a long term, committed and romantic relationship without having sex in partnership with an asexual. Met just such a couple the other week actually IRL. You can meet a person who’d be willing to do that for you or is asexual themselves, and don’t give up on that. That said, don’t ever do anything you aren’t comfortable with doing, I know there’s sometimes a temptation to give in and go with society even when it hurts you but don’t. You can get what you want whilst being who you are. You aren’t destined to be alone and miserable.

J.D. - I’d tell him as soon as you can, especially if you’re that uncomfortable with the situation. You don’t want him to assume you’re interested in him if you’re not. If you can’t tell him directly, write to him and try to explain why. An email, a letter, whatever. If you’re not comfortable explaining asexuality to him, just say that you’re not interested in dating anyone right now. Hopefully he’ll understand (eventually) and hopefully he’s not THAT strange.

Neth - You need to be clear and honest with him. You don’t have to do the coming out spiel at first if you don’t want to, but make it clear to him that you aren’t interested in him and wont ever be. If he continues it becomes harassment and you can go to a teacher you trust and they’ll help you. If you want to come out to him you can do so of course, but that’s up to you and he should back off regardless of your orientation once you ask him to in any case.

J.D. - Well, there is the possibility that you aren’t actually asexual too. I have a friend of a friend who actually identifies as gay and aromantic, for example.

Neth - Though we talk about romantic and sexual orientations as separate things almost entirely within the context of the asexual spectrum it isn’t true for only use. There are sexuals whose romantic orientation is different from their sexual one, biromantic homosexuals for example, though it doesn’t seem as common there as it does here. So the term is probably aromantic [insert sexual orientation] when it comes to you. 

J.D. - I’ve heard of people who identify as both. Hopefully that answers your question.