Asexual Advice

Mousy: Demisexuality refers to the sexual attraction that one experiences, which is not the same as libido.

Libido, or sex drive, refers to a physical desire for sex. People of any sexual orientation can have any level of libido.

For example, it is possible for an asexual person to have a high libido, which would mean that the person is not attracted to anyone but experiences the physical desire for sex. In this case, the desire is not directed towards anyone.

A person who has a low libido but is allosexual (not on the asexual spectrum) may well still experience attraction towards people, but not have the drive to engage in sexual activity.

In contrast, demisexuality refers to the experience of secondary but not primary sexual attraction, which means that one only experiences attraction after developing an emotional connection.

Note that this is not the same as “only having sex with someone after forming an emotional connection”.

Attraction and sex drive are only two amongst the many factors that can determine people’s decision to have sex (or not have sex). They may well lead to the same type of behaviour, but they are not the same thing.

J.D. - I think I’m convinced that aromantics probably have the most trouble sorting this out. From what I’ve read and heard, it seems like it’s something that you just know and feel, or you don’t. From reading about romantic asexuals, it seems like romantic love is more about physical affection and dreamy-eyed sort of notions about your significant other. Platonic seems more like you want to know and understand the other person as much as possible, and you want to grow emotionally intimate in a way that isn’t just like your other friends. 

Chris - You could wait for the subject to come up in regular conversation, or you could just casually mention it to her one day— “Hey, have you ever heard of asexuality?”— and go from there. Sorry I can’t be of more help than that, but I think the straightforward approach is best.

Chris - A lot of people believe that it’s a blurry line between flirting and just being nice; for many, it’s difficult to tell the difference. Flirting, to the best of my limited knowledge, can include laughing at the other person’s jokes even if they’re bad, touching the other person more than is necessary, suggestive compliments, tone of voice, more eye contact than usual, being unnecessarily close to the other person, trading banter… things like that. If you want to avoid flirting, I’d say to mainly try to avoid too much eye contact, too much touching, and too much proximity. Also, avoid suggestive compliments because they can be misconstrued (she said, stating the obvious).

Chris - Personally, I can definitely tell the difference between when I have strong platonic feelings for someone and when I have a crush on someone. For example, I have strong platonic feelings for my best friend, who is one of the most awesome people in the world, and who I am very lucky to know. When I like a guy, I also think he’s awesome, and I also think I’m lucky to know him. But it’s different because with a crush, there’s aesthetic and romantic attraction. I think he’s pretty, I get really nervous around him, I fall all over myself trying to make him happy, I jump at the chance to get a hug from him, I wish he’d ask me out, and so on and so forth. I don’t feel that way about my best friend, because with my best friend, the strong feelings are platonic. I hope that makes sense!

J.D. - I’ve no idea. Regardless of the semantics, I’m pretty sure they’re going to judge you and jump to certain conclusions because most people assume “attraction” still automatically implies some sort of sexual dimension. It really can’t be avoided. So I’d just continue saying people are hot (which is very “eye of the beholder” anyway) and who cares what they think.

Chris - So answering this is a little awkward because I haven’t answered a question here in ages (I’m really sorry!), but if it helps, I call people I find aesthetically attractive “pretty”, regardless of gender. I’m not really comfortable using the word “hot”, and I feel like “pretty” is a nice safe term to use.

J.D. - I’m not sure if this is a response to a previous question or not, but I did read this book when I was in high school. Unfortunately, I’ll just have to take your word for it, since all I really remember from the book was that the little girl’s name was Turtle. Haha.

J.D. - I don’t think you can really determine anything from just that kissing experience…you have to take into account all of the things together. Some asexuals appreciate physical contact more than others; some non-asexual people aren’t as physical either. It has to do more with who you are, deep down, and it takes a while to get there sometimes.

J.D. - This is a nice idea in theory, however, Tumblr is probably the worst platform for this type of thing. The asexuality community on Livejournal is probably the best place for conversation and making new friends, in my opinion (and on the smaller scale like you’re looking for). This Tumblr is not nearly as active as it used to be either, with people coming and going all the time.

Emi-Definitely, it’s pretty normal to experience that kind of attraction, I believe the term might be aesthetic attraction though it could maybe be applied simply to looks. In any case, it’s completely possible.

J.D. - There are a lot mods who basically just up and vanished. Some of them are on Tumblr still, but don’t really help out with this blog anymore. It’s mostly just me, unfortunately, and a few others who pop in on occasion. I was thinking about maybe inviting more people on again who want to volunteer to help answer some questions. There was a time when we actually answered ALL OF THE QUESTIONS in our inbox, believe it or not!

Southpaw/Becca - I do apologize about this- I’m a graduate student and it’s currently finals, so I’ve been otherwise occupied. But hopefully once the semester ends, I’ll be able to return to answering questions more regularly.

Chris - I’m sorry about this, too.

J.D. - I’m not so sure. I guess it depends on the nature of the attraction? From my experience though, aromantic asexuals usually aren’t attracted to people…in general. That’s what sets them apart from everyone else. That’s not to say that you HAVE to be on the extreme end of things, of course.

J.D. - You will only make yourself more unhappy by trying to be someone you’re not. You cannot force yourself to be attracted to people. I’ve tried that, and it never ends well. The kind of help you’re looking for doesn’t have to do with your sexual orientation, but your psychology and the way you’re thinking about yourself. You way want to seek help in regards to that instead. Good luck.

J.D. - It’s possible that you’re heteroromantic.

J.D. - Well, yes, but I was under the assumption that the anon wasn’t interested in any of that, hence the question.

J.D. - Sure, why not. Only you can truly gauge these things, and sometimes things can be kind of blurry and not so definite.