1. Am I asexual?
This is the most common question we are asked, so here is a handy flowchart to help you.
[Image description: A flowchart asking, “Am I asexual?” The chart asks, “Do you experience sexual attraction?” If you say yes, the answer is, “You are not asexual.” If you say no, the answer is, “You are asexual.”]
This might seem overly simplistic, but it’s literally the only thing that defines asexuality.
Here are things that do not define asexuality:
- whether or not you find people aesthetically attractive (“hot”, beautiful, handsome, etc.)
- whether or not you enjoy kissing and cuddling
- whether or not you get aroused or “in the mood” for sex (experience sexual desire/have a libido)
- whether or not you masturbate
- whether or not you have sex
- whether or not you enjoy sex
Some aces do these things, some don’t. It doesn’t make a difference to our orientation. The only thing that all asexuals have in common is that we don’t experience sexual attraction. The only person who truly knows if you’re asexual is you.
2. What is sexual attraction?
Naturally, if you don’t know what sexual attraction is, you’re going to have a hard time knowing whether or not you experience it!
Most of the people who run this blog are aces, so we cannot tell you what sexual attraction feels like. As we understand it, though, if you aren’t sure… you’re probably not experiencing it. Apparently, when you experience sexual attraction, you know it.
A good explanation of what sexual attraction feels like (to one heterosexual man) is from this thread:
"At the most basic, it’s a gut feeling. You want to be near this person (to whom you are attracted). You want to touch them, even if in a non-sexual way. Their bodies, particularly they’re breasts and hips, have auras of pleasure. In the more extreme cases, you feel hot. In fact, I’d say that this is why people say, "He/she has the hots for you." It’s not a typical type of hot. You’re probably not about to sweat, but you feel this heat inside of your body. At its worst, especially if you’re never able to satisfy your lust, it begins to feel like hunger."
Another good explanation comes from our friend at demigray, who is gray-asexual:
For me, strong sexual attraction (which is the only kind I’ve experienced) feels exactly like hunger, just directed towards someone’s body. If sensual attraction feels like the warm, cosy ambiance of candles, then sexual attraction feels like the flame of a campfire. I want to press myself up against them and be close to them but there’s an added desire for specifically sexual contact like, well, taking their clothes off, kissing areas other than just their mouth, etc. Basically, it’s like if you took sensual attraction (because that involves you wanting to touch a person—cuddling, kisses, hugs, etc.) and added sexual elements to it.
And here is an explanation from mod Sea, a former asexual:
Sexual attraction is experienced differently by different people, but if the concept still makes no sense to you, then you might be asexual.
3. How and when do I come out?
Here are some resources for coming out:
- Asexuality 101: When You Should Come Out
- Asexual Coming Out Experiences
- Southpaw’s Ace Coming Out Video! (transcript included)
- General Advice/Rebuttals for the Haters
Most basic answer: if you don’t feel comfortable and safe coming out, don’t do it. You never have to come out unless you want to. You do not owe anyone an explanation about your orientation. It’s entirely your choice.
4. Relationship advice.
- Clitical. This site caters to those with vulvas and offers anatomy guides, tips, tricks, user-submitted techniques, and more. Along with its counterpart, Clitical Guys (primarily for those with penises), it’s a good starting point. However, it’s not particularly trans* inclusive, so if you need that, the links below are better for you.
- Fuckyeahsexeducation’s FAQs
- Fuckyeahsexeducation’s Resources
- Fuckyeahsexpositivity’s Features/Posting Schedule
- and of course, the above two sites in their entirety.
We will be happy to answer any specific relationship questions you may have.But, as always, please read these links first. We endorse everything these links have to say 100%.
Thank you for taking the time to read the FAQ! We are really very friendly and open, but it gets frustrating to constantly be answering essentially the same questions over and over. Good luck figuring all this stuff out and we hope we helped! <3