Frequently Asked Questions

1. Am I asexual?

This is the most common question we are asked, so here is a handy flowchart to help you.

[Image description: A flowchart asking, “Am I asexual?” The chart asks, “Do you experience sexual attraction?” If you say yes, the answer is, “You are not asexual.” If you say no, the answer is, “You are asexual.”]

This might seem overly simplistic, but it’s literally the only thing that defines asexuality. 

Here are things that do not define asexuality: 

  • whether or not you find people aesthetically attractive (“hot”, beautiful, handsome, etc.)
  • whether or not you enjoy kissing and cuddling
  • whether or not you get aroused or “in the mood” for sex (experience sexual desire/have a libido)
  • whether or not you masturbate
  • whether or not you have sex 
  • whether or not you enjoy sex

Some aces do these things, some don’t. It doesn’t make a difference to our orientation. The only thing that all asexuals have in common is that we don’t experience sexual attraction. The only person who truly knows if you’re asexual is you. You do not have to have ever kissed someone, been in a relationship, or had sex in order to know your identity. 

2. What is sexual attraction? 

Naturally, if you don’t know what sexual attraction is, you’re going to have a hard time knowing whether or not you experience it! 

Most of the people who run this blog are aces, so we cannot tell you what sexual attraction feels like. As we understand it, though, if you aren’t sure… you’re probably not experiencing it. Apparently, when you experience sexual attraction, you know it. 

A good explanation of what sexual attraction feels like (to one heterosexual man) is from this thread:

"At the most basic, it’s a gut feeling. You want to be near this person (to whom you are attracted). You want to touch them, even if in a non-sexual way. Their bodies, particularly they’re breasts and hips, have auras of pleasure. In the more extreme cases, you feel hot.  In fact, I’d say that this is why people say, "He/she has the hots for you."  It’s not a typical type of hot. You’re probably not about to sweat, but you feel this heat inside of your body. At its worst, especially if you’re never able to satisfy your lust, it begins to feel like hunger."

Another good explanation comes from our friend at demigray, who is gray-asexual: 

For me, strong sexual attraction (which is the only kind I’ve experienced) feels exactly like hunger, just directed towards someone’s body. If sensual attraction feels like the warm, cosy ambiance of candles, then sexual attraction feels like the flame of a campfire. I want to press myself up against them and be close to them but there’s an added desire for specifically sexual contact like, well, taking their clothes off, kissing areas other than just their mouth, etc. Basically, it’s like if you took sensual attraction (because that involves you wanting to touch a person—cuddling, kisses, hugs, etc.) and added sexual elements to it.

Here’s a helpful link with some other resources, if you still want more. 

Sexual attraction is experienced differently by different people, but if the concept still makes no sense to you, then you might be asexual.

3. How and when do I come out?

Here are some resources for coming out:

Most basic answer: if you don’t feel comfortable and safe coming out, don’t do it. You never have to come out unless you want to. You do not owe anyone an explanation about your orientation. It’s entirely your choice.

4. Relationship advice.

We will be happy to answer any specific relationship questions you may have.But, as always, please read these links first. We endorse everything these links have to say 100%.

5. I am able to be aroused; does that mean I’m not asexual?

No! Arousal is not attraction. Arousal is just the body’s response to stimuli, of any kind - physical, intellectual, auditory, olfactory, etc. Attraction is totally different (as described up there). Asexuals can get aroused, and they are still asexual

5b. I have a high libido, and sometimes I want to do sexual things. Does that mean I’m not asexual?

No! Libido (or sex drive) is different for everyone and is primarily hormone driven - and still isn’t attraction! Libido varies among asexuals, and a high libido does not invalidate your asexuality. Likewise, having sex, doing sexual things, etc, does not invalidate your asexuality either. Sexual activity is your choice and does not define your sexuality.

6. We get a surprising number of questions about masturbation. As such, we’ve collected a list of resources:
  • Clitical. This site caters to those with vulvas and offers anatomy guides, tips, tricks, user-submitted techniques, and more. Along with its counterpart, Clitical Guys (primarily for those with penises), it’s a good starting point. However, it’s not particularly trans* inclusive, so if you need that, the links below are better for you.
  • Fuckyeahsexeducation’s FAQs
  • Fuckyeahsexeducation’s Resources
  • Fuckyeahsexpositivity’s Features/Posting Schedule
  • and of course, the above two sites in their entirety.
  • The Asexuality Archive’s three part guide

7. Am I too young to identify as asexual?

The average age people first start experiencing sexual attraction is by 10 years old. It’s up to you as to whether or not you identify as asexual and of course sexuality can be fluid, but most people experience sexual attraction starting at quite an early age.

8. If I’m asexual, can I call myself queer?

We get this question surprisingly often, and the answer is yes, you absolutely can, but some people don’t like the term queer because of its history as a slur. 

9. Is it possible to be x sexuality and y romantic orientation?

Yes. It doesn’t matter what x and y are. Whatever sexuality and romantic orientation you feel best describes you is valid. Any combination is possible.

10. Sometimes I’m more sex-repulsed than other times, and some things are repulsive, but some aren’t. Am I still sex-repulsed?

Yes. Sex-repulsion is not a constant, inflexible, uniform response. No two people’s sex-repulsion will look exactly alike. You can be repulsed by some things and not others, more repulsed at some times than others, only repulsed under certain situations, and your repulsion can grow or fade with time. 

11: A summary of the asexual black ring:

Some people wear a black ring on the middle finger of the right hand as a symbol of asexuality. It is meant to be a discreet symbol by which asexual people can recognise each other.

The idea was originally suggested in this thread on AVEN, and has been adopted by asexual people both within and beyond AVEN.

It is also known to some people outside of the asexual community. For example, this FAQ about the right hand black ring within the swinger community mentions that a black ring on the middle finger of the right hand is a symbol of asexuality, and advises swingers to avoid wearing theirs on the middle finger for that reason.

Originally, it was suggested that since the ring should be worn on the left middle finger, but it was pointed out that some asexual people are married and wear a wedding ring, and the black ring next to it can be a problem for these people, so the people discussing the idea (in the thread linked above) agreed on the right middle finger instead, and it caught on.

Any black ring will do. The idea was that it should be something that is widely available so that people are more likely to be able to acquire one, and also be general enough that people can pick something they like so that they’ll actually want to wear it.

Plain black rings are popular, as are rings with ace playing card references. It doesn’t have to be completely black. For example, silver rings with black bands count too. Some people wear haematite rings even though they’re not quite black.

(Yes, even then, there are people who can’t find one, especially people who can’t shop online. Some people make theirs out of various types of scrap material, and others draw a ring on their finger using a marker.)

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Thank you for taking the time to read the FAQ! We are really very friendly and open, but it gets frustrating to constantly be answering essentially the same questions over and over. Good luck figuring all this stuff out and we hope we helped! <3