fishmostly asked: So I'm not quite sure I've ever experience sexual attraction, but I want to know what romantic attraction feels like. Also is there a difference between romantic attraction and sensual attraction?

Yes, there is a difference between romantic attraction and sensual attraction, though often they occur together. Romantic attraction is wanting a romantic relationship, while sensual attraction is wanting various non-sexual physical things such as cuddling. 

Personally I don’t distinguish between romantic and non-romantic attraction (this is why I call myself aromantic), but Idra and Southpaw have both posted some really nice descriptions of their experience of romantic attraction. So I am going to cheat and simply link to them. Here is Idra’s and here is Southpaw’s.

:D 

- Sea

Anonymous asked: Different anon from the one who moved to another city. I have noticed something similar, that aces tend to spend more time online, and not simply on ace communities. I wonder why, if it's because we don't spend so much time looking for sex, if it's because so many of us are nerds, or what exactly.

I really honestly think that this is just an illusion: the reason that we all know so many aces who spend time online is that we are aces who spend time online. We’re not meeting as many aces who don’t spend time online because how exactly are we going to meet them, if they’re not using the internet to find other aces? I’ve met one ace offline, and it was through my school’s gender and sexuality group. Now that I don’t have any offline gender and sexuality gatherings I attend, there’s not a big chance of me running across any aces outside the internet. That doesn’t mean there are fewer aces outside the internet; it just means that I’m not meeting them.

- Sea

executiveweirdodogooder asked: I think I'm asexual because it explains a lot of things about me. Problem is, for the last 13 years, I've been relying on affection and sex as substitutes for self-esteem. Out of sheer luck, I landed a boyfriend who is loving and supportive of me, which is probably how I started figuring out my true orientation and needs. Do you have any advice for us? He accepts that asexuality is not a "condition" that needs "fixing" and we plan on staying together. I do love him very much.

I don’t know, it pretty much sounds like you’re all set to me! You’ve got a loving and supportive relationship with someone who accepts who you are. I guess that the usual advice of communicating when you want something and when you don’t want something always applies. If you have more specific things you want advice on, feel free to ask. Otherwise, good luck — and congratulations. :)

- Sea

Anonymous asked: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet a really cute person and you hope the person likes you because of how adorable they are, but when they do start falling for you, you freak out because you don't know what to do now that someone is attracted to you? Would that still be asexual? Because it happens to me a lot, where I hope good looking people will find me attractive and desirable, even if I have zero intention of ever being in a relationship with them.

Yes, that could still be asexual, because wanting someone to be attracted to you is not the same as being (sexually) attracted to them yourself. 

- Sea

iheldtegenstemmer asked: I have short hair and have terrible hygiene and I still get unwanted attention. The best way to deal with it is at least try to be noticed for something you're proud of.

This has been here for a couple of days — sorry! It’s a response to the person who was sick of getting attention from guys and wanted to know what to do about it. 

- Sea

Anonymous asked: Hi, I'm an asexual girl, and guys keep hitting on me. It stresses me out a lot, besides I can never tell when people are flirting, or when they're just joking around, till they start asking me out on dates. I've also been told by several people that I'm attractive and that my looks are wasted because I never date or care about boys, which makes me want to punch their lights out. What do I do? And is there anything that will make guys stop being attracted to me?

I don’t know what you look like, but most girls I know who used to have long hair and cut it very short discovered that they no longer got unwanted attention from guys. If you have long hair, you could try cutting it and see if that changes anything.

Otherwise, I suppose you could develop some sort of aloofness or unfriendly air that makes people want to stay away from you. 

Personally, though, I think that rather than trying to stop guys from being attracted to you, it would be better to learn not to be bothered by their requests (as long as they’re polite — if they harass you, it’s not okay, under any circumstances). Most likely, people are going to be interested no matter what you do to avoid it, because human tastes are varied and no matter what changes you make, there is going to be someone who likes it. Allowing people’s interest to get on your nerves is just going to make you miserable. 

I would say, take all flirting as a joke, no matter what, and if they turn out to be serious, say, “oh oops, I thought we were just having fun… I’m not looking for a relationship.” Or something to that effect.

- Sea

Anonymous asked: I've moved o another city about a year ago, and I noticed sth interesting: it's been much easier to keep a long-distance friendship via internet with my ace friends than the sexual ones. Like the latter need constant presence or something. I was wondering if anyone else here has noticed something similar.

I haven’t noticed anything like that myself, but I wonder: where did you meet these various friends? I’ve met all of my asexual friends online, so of course it’s easy to keep a long distance friendship with them — they’re the kind of people who hang out online! 

It could also be that you feel like you have more in common with the ace friends, and that makes it easier to feel connected with them even when you’re not spending time with them in person.

- Sea

Anonymous asked: I identify as grey-a. I have a boyfriend and we have sexual intercourse sometimes (once we even did it twice in a day), but it's apparently infrequent (even though once a week seems like a lot for me). I never felt any sexual anything until very recently, only to him, and I'm 22. I give this background information because I need to ask: I often feel bad about labeling myself as grey-a, because I feel sexual attraction to him sometimes. Is that wrong? Grey-a feels right but I second-guess a lot.

Grey-a means you feel sexual attraction sometimes, but not always. Demisexual means you experience sexual attraction only after forming an intense emotional bond. It sounds like what you experience could be a combination of both of these. 

But regardless, if grey-a feels right to you, then that label is totally fine to adopt. No single grey-a, ace, or demi person is going to experience attraction in the same way as any other. And if it feels right to you, then no outside person should come in and tell you that you’re wrong about your own experiences.

-Idra

Anonymous asked: I'm a Grayromantic Asexual and I've been experiencing a lot of sexual arousal lately whenever friends of mine do magic (I really love magic). In this instance it feels like maybe I do experience sexual attraction after all (not 100% sure)... Should I lose my label of Asexual?

It sounds like you’re just experiencing arousal because of a particular kink, not experiencing sexual attraction. It sounds like you’re not attracted to your friends, you’re just aroused because of the magic.

So I’d say you’re still ace :)

-Idra