Asexual Advice

hi, excuse me~ so i'm asexual, aaaand so not-asexual people actually see attractive people and have dirty thoughts about them?? like it's an automatic thing that just happens and they actually want to sleep with these people (or at least really enjoy fantasizing about it)??? sorry if this is a bothersome question but i'm really curious 'w`

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:27:40 -0400

Some of them do, yes. Of course non-asexual people vary a lot, and some of them will have dirtier thoughts than others, and the thoughts will be more automatic for some than for others, and some will actually want to sleep with the objects of their affection and some will merely find them pleasing to look at (in a sexual way). Talking about People Who Aren’t Asexual as if they are a monolith is silly — the only thing they have in common is that they do find others sexually attractive.

- Sea

Hey um I think I'm asexual but ever since reading and attempting masturbation I think I'm questioning that, even though people say it's not connected. I don't really want anyone else to do that to me though. How does all that convert? Rather confused once again.

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:21:42 -0400

Well, it doesn’t really convert, because masturbation doesn’t have an effect on your orientation. (Unless you believe it does, I suppose!) People can masturbate without finding other people sexually attractive. Masturbation is just about you and what you like doing all by yourself; it’s not about anyone else. Sexual attraction and orientation are about how you look at other people.

- Sea

I find genitals repulsive but enjoy close relationships with people, Also, i wouldn't mind kissing them or whatever. When I become physically attracted to someone (rare) It fades away within hours. I had a boyfriend once but we never kissed, probably my fault. I'm 17 btw.

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:18:44 -0400

Hello, Anon! Would you like some advice? I’m not sure if there was something specific you wanted help with. Feel free to send another ask if you’d like.

- Sea

Hey, I'm not so much asking for advice as much as I'm looking for any of you or your followers to share their experiences related to the following :) I'm 22 and asexual, and I'm aesthetically attracted to both males and females but I think I might be aromantic. However, I masturbate and think I might enjoy the "feeling" of sex, but I think I'd only be comfortable doing anything sexual with another woman. I'm curious whether anyone else has had similar experiences and what came out of it. Thanks!

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:17:38 -0400

Followers, have you had thoughts like these before?

- Sea

Oh, gosh, I hope this sort of thing hasn't already been asked. Well, the thing is I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not, and thought ya'll might be able to help. Though I am attracted to mens bodies in a way that I don't feel for womens, I'm a virgin and have never really cared to have sex even with guys I found "hot." The one time I was kissed/ touched it felt disgusting. If I'm not asexual, is there an orientation based on, er, lack of desire? Thanks :)

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:16:04 -0400

You could try the FAQ — the first question might have some answers for you!

- Sea

I believe that "aromantic but could possibly change if something happens" fits me best out of the two. I'm glad to know that these terms exist, because demiromantic just feels right to me. Again, thank you so much.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 20:37:37 -0400

Neth - Happy to help out! I’m grey-romantic myself and just wish these terms were more in use cause language can help so, yeah.

Hello, hello! I'm looking for a specific term, and I was wondering if you had an answer for me. I've been wondering lately whether or not I am aromantic, but I now know that I don't fit into that category. I've never been interested in being in a romantic relationship, but I'm not opposed to it. However, if I ever do enter a relationship with someone, we'd have to be incredibly, deeply close beforehand, and I'm sure wouldn't enter another relationship if we were to break it off.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 16:23:00 -0400

(cont. Sorry for getting wordy!) It seems pretty extreme, I’m sure. Anyway, my question is, is there a term for this? Whatever your answer may be, I thank you.

Neth - So, you’re thinking you aren’t romantic but not really aromantic but some place in the middle? Or, aromantic but could possibly change if something happens?

Like sexual orientation and the asexual to sexual scale with all its shades in between the same is true for romantic orientation. Some people are in between romantic and aromantic, and not always in the same way.

There doesn’t seem to be as set a definition for this as there is for sexuality with demisexual and grey-ace, but the term demiromantic is used a lot and also grey-romantic.

I’ve seen demiromantic used in a similar way to how demisexual would but also how grey-ace would. But I’ve also seen people use demiromantic and grey-romantic as clearly separate entities.

It doesn’t get talked about as much but those are the terms.

It was only recently that I started to think I was asexual because I just don't have any interest in having sex. I used to think I was bisexual because I didn't find my opposite gender attractive in a 'I want to have sex with you' way. Now I realize that I just don't find anyone sexually arousing. I still find people attractive. I've never had sex or even kissed anyone before, but I'm not really interested in trying it. I don't find it gross or appealing, I just don't really care either way.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 16:15:22 -0400

Neth - You aren’t alone. You wouldn’t be the first person think that, well, they’re as attracted to men as they are to women so they must be bi even though they aren’t sexually attracted to either. It’s the same for both and it’s the closest word for it and they don’t know asexual and so on. Doesn’t feel right, doesn’t fit but closest word ou can find.

Usually seems to be bi or panromantics who go along these lines before finding out about asexuality so far as I can tell, but you aren’t alone in it.

For the 20 year old anon: you can still be romantic and/or sensual. And have really intense friendships. The desire for being loved does not equate the desire for having sex (which a lot of people confuse!) and you are always perfectly valid for wanting love. It'll be okay, and you'll find somebody.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 13:00:34 -0400

Awwww you are so sweet!! <3 Thank you for your lovely message to that other Anon~

-Becca/Southpaw

So I'm 20 and just discovered that the sexuality I was calling "ABC Sexual" actually has a name: asexual. Am I wrong for thinking I am though, because I still want someone to hold at night, someone to watch movies with, someone to tell me I'm worth something in life..? I feel so confused about myself, these past few years I have been completely uprooted, turned into paper, shredded, then somehow replanted as a tree again.. the process seems to be starting over again and I'm unsure of who I am..

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 11:47:00 -0400

Mm, I get that feeling…when I first discovered that asexuality was a legitimate thing (not something I was confused about or making up) it came right after a difficult time in my life when everything was changing and even though I felt so relieved to find out about asexuality, it was also like “oh great and here’s another thing that’s changed!” (Though of course, “changed” isn’t exactly the right word).

But just because you’re asexual, that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone. Whether you’re romantic or aromantic, you can still have that person to hold you and to watch movies with and to think you’re worth something. I’m asexual and I have a person like that in my life and we live together and have snuggles and bake cakes and go on adventures and whatnot! :3 So you can have someone like that, too, regardless of your sexual orientation.

Hang in there, Anon! I know you’re going through a tough and confusing time in your life, but you’ll get through this~ <3

-Becca/Southpaw

so I'm 21. I'm just now finding out about asexuality, and it resonates, like suddenly things make a lot more sense. and while it's good to have a name for who/what I am, I keep freaking out whenever I start thinking about it too much. I get really scared and I feel like crying. any idea what that's about? I don't usually get like that.

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:39:00 -0400

Hmm… it’s hard to say what could be causing this for you specifically. I know it’s hard, but maybe you could try to think about what in particular is scaring you?

For example, a common fear among aces is that there’s so few of us that many aces are afraid they’ll never be able to find somebody. (1% is actually a lot of people, and of course many asexual/sexual relationships work out, but it can still be a huge fear).

Another thing aces are sometimes upset about is a feeling that they’re not “normal”. Some aces feel like being ace means they’re missing something fundamental in today’s culture and that because of that, they feel excluded and left out.

Still other aces are afraid of potentially coming out/scared their friends won’t be accepting.

There are plenty of other reasons, but pinpointing the exact reason it scares you is vital to dealing with your fears!

Good luck- I know it’s tough to think about things that makes you anxious! <3

-Idra

Hey, I noticed that every once in a while people are asking what the difference between libido and sexual attraction is. I came up with a possible answer, tell me if it's good enough: libido would be equivalent to hunger, whereas sexual attraction would be like craving chocolate or peanut - since hunger is just a bodily function, not necessarily directed at any food in particular, and craving has an object of desire.

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:28:00 -0400

Well- I can’t tell exactly, of course, but this sounds pretty accurate to me! Maybe sexual attraction is looking at something and thinking it looks good and wanting to eat it, whereas libido is being hungry in general?

-Idra

Hi, thanks for directing me to the FAQ! I'm a bit internet silly :) So much great info there thank you! Just wondering, I'm considering coming out but I'm still stuck on the "what if I just haven't met the right person yet" thing. In my head I appreciate that might be silly, but still I don't want to misdefine myself and then go backwards because I know family will not appreciate fluidity. I was wondering if you had that feeling and what tipped you over to resolutely knowing you were asexy?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:22:00 -0400

No problem!

I actually did have that feeling. I was caught up in “What if?” for a few weeks. It was a combination of things that tipped me over, actually. One was simply that the more I read about asexuality, the more it sounded like me.

Another thing was that I came out to a friend I trusted and was close to, but mostly, she was one of my only friends who never discussed attraction/hot people, etc, so I felt like she might be more understanding. It turns out she was understanding, thankfully, but she also apparently experienced attraction all the time and just chose not to talk about it. That experience really brought home for me how near universal it was to feel sexual attraction. At the same time as this, I also just happened to have a conversation with a different friend about attraction (without coming out) and discovered that sex and sexual attraction were, according to her, constantly on her mind. Like- in situations that had nothing whatsoever to do with those topics, they’d still be there at the back of her mind. That was also mindblowing to me, since usually I don’t think about any of it unless something happens to remind me.

So after a few of those conversations, where everyone in my life seemed to understand and feel this mysterious “sexual attraction” while I had to struggle to even understand what it was, I was finally like, I guess I really would know if it happened to me. I must be ace.

It’s also worth noting that the average age of experiencing sexual attraction for the first time is 10. So chances are, unless you’re demi/grey-asexual, if you weren’t ace, it would’ve happened by now. :)

It’s hard to know for sure whether you’re ace sometimes simply because asexuality is an orientation based on the absence of something, but good luck! <3

-Idra

For the Anon from Brazil:

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 08:18:10 -0400

These two articles on asexuality are available. I’m not sure how good they are, though, since I don’t speak Portuguese, but maybe you could look at them and see if they’re helpful with explaining asexuality in Portuguese! <3

Here’s the first article and here’s another one!

-Becca/Southpaw

Sometimes I feel like my parents are disappointed in me because I do not show interest in anyone. My father told me recently 'you're 21, you should be going out on dates.' They don't know I'm asexual and I'm afraid to tell them lest they don't understand it. What do I do in something like this?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 06:37:59 -0400

You don’t need to tell them you’re asexual to tell them that they need to mind their own business. If you’re happy doing what you’re doing, then your parents need to respect that and leave you alone — no matter what your orientation is. I recommend telling them that you’re happy as you are, that if you want to go on dates you will do it, and that you’d rather they not try to pressure you into doing something that you don’t want to do.

Best of luck!

- Sea

19yo, always assumed I was hetero coz that's what society tells us right? Never had anything close to a sexual relationship, I assumed it would when the time was right. Starting to realise that I'm probably ace, I've never thought about sexual attraction. Like I can't even comprehend how it feels/is, and didn't realise it happened to 99% peeps all the time. Could you please explain/link me about what these are/feel like: sexual attraction, libido etc? I'm kind of doing a process of elimination!

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:21:00 -0400

These should all be in the FAQ! Good luck! <3

-Idra

Hi there, I know this might sound like a stupid question, but I'm confused. Are sexual attraction and sensual arousal different things? And if so, how?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:20:00 -0400

I’m not sure what you mean by “sensual arousal”. Sexual attraction and sexual arousal are different, yes. Sensual arousal (being aroused by sensual things?) would be different, too, in that arousal is a physical process and attraction is an emotional response, but it’s not a phrase we typically hear.

Hope that helped?

-Idra

I am asexual, and never get sexually aroused under normal circumstances, except for really at night. I am triggered by very small things, and have an out of character curiosity to try masturbation or what an orgasm feels like, out of pure scientific curiosity though. I have no interest in this during the day. I am very self secure that I am in fact asexual. There is no actual desire to have sex or attraction to a person. I was just wondering if anyone knows what could cause this off behavior?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:17:00 -0400

This is really interesting!

I’m not sure exactly why you feel more open/curious about the idea at night, but I have a couple of theories.

One thing is, sexual behavior has traditionally been relegated to nighttime/darkness. It seems that this is an “under cover of darkness” thing, since most of our modern ideas on sexuality can be traced sooner or later back to the Victorian era, and also because people were/are busy during the day. So perhaps your body/mind goes, “Oh, it’s night, these things are options now.”

Another thing could be that it’s fairly normal for the day/night shift to affect moods quite dramatically. Many of my friends who have depression, for example, report their depression intensifying/striking as night falls, or say things like “nights are always the hardest”. It could be that something about nighttime, for some unexplained reason, triggers these curiosities in you.

If (and only if) you do want to try it, though, I’d say go for it! Exploring and knowing more about ourselves/our bodies isn’t a bad thing, imo.

Good luck! <3

-Idra

{1/2}First, let me congratulate you all for this blog and how tactfully you answer people's questions, it's really helpful! I have a question on sth I haven't seen covered here. I'm Brazilian; I have looked and we don't seem to have a functioning online community of aces, not even on AVEN, and certainly not on dating sites. How would you advise socializing with other aces under these circumstances?

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:02:00 -0400

{2/2} And how do you come out to your family when all the good sources to explain asexuality are in English and they can’t understand it?

Thank you for the sweet message! <3

As to your question, I just know I’m going to get some major side-eyeing for this, but…

I’m bilingual (French and English). It’s a continual problem for me to talk about LGBT+ issues in French, starting with pronoun trouble and getting worse from there. There sometimes won’t even be words in French for the concepts I’m trying to convey. Even though pretty much everyone I’m close to speaks English and can understand the sources, I know the feeling you’re talking about too well.

That said, the only real solution I have for you is to do your best. Maybe you could translate some things yourself, from sources that really speak to you, and even publish them online to help other aces in your situation? Translation isn’t easy, but it could potentially be of untold benefit to future foreign language speakers!

I’m disappointed to hear that even the “other countries/languages” section on AVEN isn’t really working for you. It’s really difficult when most of the web is dominated by English speakers and people outside your country. :/ However, dating sites don’t have to be purely for aces to be effective. It’s possible some of the bigger dating sites, like OkCupid, have greater presences in Brazil and you could find aces that way? Also, even if AVEN isn’t working, it’s possible there’s a Brazilian (or at least Portugese/Spanish speaking) ace community here on tumblr!

Good luck <3 Language barriers are hard! Followers, do you have any additional advice on finding ace communities in other countries/languages?

-Idra

All of these asks regarding arousal from reading sexual scenes are so reassuring. I also hate the feeling, but at least now I'm not the only ace who has to deal with this while reading!

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 20:30:31 -0400

Awww!! It’s the best when you realize you’re not alone~ <3

-Becca/Southpaw