Anonymous asked: So, I'm 19 years old and most of my life I've been romantically, and slightly physically attracted to people for a short period of time. I've only dated twice, and I've only had one boyfriend. However, although I found the guys I dated cute and interesting, I was not attracted to them sexually. I could appreciate their physical attributes and would develop crushes, but when given the chance to act upon it, I never felt aroused. I guess I'm wondering, what am I?

If you weren’t attracted to them sexually, then chances are you’re asexual, since the only thing that makes a person asexual is not experiencing sexual attraction.

We have a section on this in the FAQs! Hope that helps~ <3

-Becca/Southpaw

Anonymous asked: If I fantasize about fictional characters doing stuff to each other, am I still asexual?

Asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction.

Aces can have as many ships, kinks, whatever as they like. They can get aroused, they can masturbate, they can do whatever they want to, but as long as they don’t experience sexual attraction, they’re ace.

So- yep!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: Am I asexual? I've never had or wanted a sexual fantasy, and my mind never approaches the idea of sex. I'd much rather think about every other aspect of a relationship. When I'm around a crush the urge for sex is non-exsistant, I've never looked at someone and thought sex. I feel that I could go forever without sex, and I'm shocked that its absence can ruin relationships. Although, I have gotten an erection a couple of times around curshes, but I didn't want sex or think of it.

As we say in the FAQs, if you’re asking yourself if you’re asexual, you probably are!

The only requirement for being asexual: not experiencing sexual attraction. Some asexuals do have fantasies and some don’t. Some asexuals think about sex and some don’t. Some asexuals get erections and some don’t. There really isn’t one “common element” amongst all asexuals except that we all don’t experience sexual attraction.

Hope that helps! <3

-Becca/Southpaw

Anonymous asked: I have been conflicted for quite a while over whether or not I am asexual. The idea of sex makes me uncomfortable, a bit grossed out, and a bit frightened. I don't masturbate and have no urge to. I'm VERY rarely "aroused". I have had several crushes but have had no desire to have sex with any of them. I'd be just fine with kissing and cuddling. I have only fantasized about sex with one person, a celebrity, but haven't done so for SEVERAL months. I find porn and the idea of oral sex disgusting.

Simply put, if you don’t experience sexual attraction, you’re ace. Based on what you’ve said here, it sounds to me like you could well be a sex-repulsed ace.

Good luck figuring out your identity!

-Idra

Anonymous asked: Hello! I need a bit of help figuring if I am ace or not, I feel like I am because I don't find real people sexually attractive at all, the thought of having sex myself repulses me to no end. However, I do masturbate and have fantasies not including myself. I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone, but I do get aroused by fiction. Does this make me a type of asexual or does it mean I have a certain "philia"?

Hello! :) We have the answer to this question in our FAQs!

If you feel that you don’t experience sexual attraction, then congratulations: you’re asexual! Some asexuals masturbate (some don’t), some have fantasies (some don’t), and some get aroused by fiction (some don’t). Asexuality has nothing to do with whether or not someone masturbates, in what way they masturbate, or even if someone has sex or not. 

In any case, Anthony Bogaert in his book Understanding Asexuality has a chapter on asexuality and paraphilias and comes to the conclusion that asexuals can totally have paraphilias too! So even if it were a “philia” to get aroused by fiction (it’s not), it’s still completely possible for you to experience that and still be asexual.

Hope that helps! <3

-Becca/Southpaw

Anonymous asked: Hi, I'm 13 and I've been wondering about my sexuality. For the majority of the week I've determined that I'm most like a grey ace. A grey ace is another form of being Asexual, right? like in the middle? I don't know though. Partically I don't think about sex. I do masturbate, and am able to be aroused by things sexually. I'm able to appreciate the male and female form so I'm a little bicurious as well. I'm just not sure though if I truly understand enough to label myself. Any advice?

Yup, gray asexuals are considered part of the asexual spectrum, along with demisexuals!

Grey asexuality is a pretty wibbly-wobbly area where people occasionally experience sexual attraction. Demisexuality is considered a type of grey asexuality because it’s when people only experience sexual attraction after a deep emotional bond has been formed.

That being said: some asexuals do think about sex and some don’t. Some asexuals masturbate and get sexually aroused and some don’t. Some asexuals experience aesthetic attraction (appreciating male and female forms, as you say) and some don’t. So it’s possible you could be asexual!

The difference between asexuality and grey asexuality is really about whether or not you’ve ever experienced sexual attraction. I’d imagine that many grey aces don’t even know they’re grey ace because it’s not really a popular term. 

It’s okay not to have a label yet~ It takes some people years to really figure themselves out. And you might use one label for a period of time and find out, years later, that you’re a different one. For instance, before I discovered asexuality, I tentatively labeled myself as “bisexual” because I thought I’d be fine dating men or women and that I was just “broken” and if I had a relationship I’d develop sexual attraction. But then I did stumble into a relationship and…no sexual attraction. Then when I found AVEN, my experiences finally started to make sense!

I’d advise you to take your time, dear Anon. There’s no need to rush into things. Maybe you could read up about some asexual experiences and see if you can relate? I’m always linking this tumblr, because I think it’s pretty great for reading about what other asexuals have to say. But there are also tons of asexuals all over tumblr and there’s also AVEN, which has a forum and chatroom.

Relax, Anon. You’re not alone- discovering your (a)sexuality is a challenging process and I think it’s brave of you to come here and ask for advice about such a difficult and personal topic. Take care! <3

-Becca/Southpaw

Anonymous asked: asked somewhere else but was directed to this tumblr so i thought i'd ask here.
i think i might be asexual but im not sure, i masturbate and i think of people and sexual things and i get off but its hard for me to do the same when it comes to actually being with someone physically , i do find people attractive but i cant tell exactly if its sexual or not. Also i dont mind kissing but sometimes i'll just stop after a while. I think i might have a low sex drive and thats why i think i might be asexual?
I want to have a sexual relationship (and dont want to be asexual if thats what i am, no offence) but im scared i wont be able to get off from the other person and will feel bad

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Bridget- No offense taken. None of us asked to be asexual and it’s not an ultra-fun easy-to-deal-with thing all the time or most of the time, but the more you learn the better you’ll feel about yourself. I promise. You and I are in much the same boat. What I’ll tell you is that getting the other person off and feeling bad was a total and huge mega-fear of mine.. and it turned out okay. Dedication and attention go a long way whether or not you’re feeling all the same things they are, and you can have a pretty successful sexual relationship even if you are asexual. (I can’t tell you whether or not you are, of course, it’s a complicated and personal question.)

Jac - Here are some sex tips for asexuals, hope they help

Anonymous asked: I've heard of masturbating asexuals, but I'm a masturbating ace and I masturbate every day (sometimes a couple times a day). Do you think this is unhealthy or a sign that I'm just repressed and not really asexual?

Jac - Not at all! Many asexuals masturbate. An asexual person is someone who experiences no sexual attraction. If this is true for you, then you are still asexual. But just because you experience no sexual attraction, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you take no pleasure from sexual acts. I should also add that some asexuals who masturbate do not see masturbation in a sexual light at all, instead they see it as a purely pleasurable act.

Bridget - Jac already got the important key-points on lock, but for double affirmation, “Nah! Totes don’t!” Don’t bother worrying too much about how anything you do or feel suits the label “asexual.” Whatever you experience and feels true to you..? Probably true for you, and doesn’t lessen anything else you do or feel or experience.

Anonymous asked: I like kissing/making out/foreplay, but I don't like actual sex. It isn't that I find it gross or anything, I just don't feel anything for it--kind of ambivilant, I suppose. Does this mean I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum? Am I asexual?

Chloe - It could.  Do you feel sexual attraction toward other people? That’s really the most basic definition of asexuality.  If you don’t, yes, you are probably asexual or at least somewhere on the spectrum.

Megan - To add onto what Chloe said, because she is completely right, the three things you mentioned could fall more in the category of a pleasurable act than that of a sexual act. Meaning you would be doing it more for the endorphins released than on your feelings/attraction to whom you are doing it with. Make sense?

Mousy - Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It does not imply anything about whether you like sexual activities. Do you ever find people “hot”? If you don’t, you might be asexual. Also, if by “sex” you only refer to its most specific definition of penis-in-vagina sex, note that some sexual people have other preferences.

Anonymous asked: I don't know if I'm asexual because I don't know what a sexual person is supposed to feel.

I've never really felt ANYTHING sexual before... but I've never been in a relationship or kissed anyone or anything. Is there a possibility that I will have sexual feelings once I start to date someone and get close? Or should a sexual person be feeling things, even if they're alone. I'm 17, btw

Chloe - If you’re attracted to people but don’t want to act that out sexually, there’s a strong likelihood that you’re asexual (because asexuality is the lack of experience of sexual attraction).  There is certainly a possibility that you’ll have sexual feelings if you date someone and develop a strong emotional connection to them—which is what demisexuality is.  A sexual person should be feeling sexual attraction to others no matter whether they’re in a relationship or not, so if you don’t feel that, it’s unlikely you’re a sexual person.  I can’t tell you that you are definitely asexual or not, but from what you wrote, it really does sound like you might be.

Jac - I agree with everything Chloe said. From what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re asexual- the definition of asexuality is “someone who does not experience sexual attraction”, and you’ve never experienced sexual attraction, so you’re fulfilling all the criteria. It is possible that you’ll start feeling sexual attraction once you get close to somebody, which would make you demisexual, but you’re asexual until proven otherwise. If you want to find out more about demisexuality, check out the article on the AVENwiki

Bridget - Could be! Whether or not you’re asexual is nothing we can define for you whether you fit the criteria or not. If the label helps you understand yourself or feels honest to you, then use it and own it. It’s true that you might feel differently and experience sexuality were you physically/emotionally close to someone/gettin’ some business done, but the thing about that is, what you do is your business, and if you’re not interested you don’t have to go and try something out to prove what you feel to yourself or anyone else. And, hey, if you are, go for it! Do (or don’t do) what feels right-your identity’s all yours and what you want/what feels right to you is way more important and reveals way more than naming it. SO, LIKE, MAYBE!