Anonymous said: I really want to thank you for this blog. I'm having a big problem with coming out. I'm out only with a friend and on Tumblr, because no one I know is on Tumblr. I went on holiday with my family recently and I almost came out from sheer frustration because it seems like my family only thinks about me getting a boyfriend, "don't you see any hot guys?" and sex and I hate it, because I'm asexual, sex repulsed and somewhere between aromantic and demiromantic (I'm still trying to understand myself)1

and I feel so broken and alone when everyone around me is so hetero, sexual and romantic oriented. But I know that I was to come out, it probably won’t end well. The best I imagine it will go is they laughing and telling me I should stop thinking that and have sex, so I really don’t know. I tried to talk about it to my friend, but she is lesbian and has had a bad coming out and she started this “no, you should absolutely come out because you’d be coward not doing it even if it goes badly”2

speech and now I don’t know… Asexuality is basically invisible from where I come from and I feel like I should educate people and come out, but I’m really scared of becoming a laughing spot and that my family won’t even try to understand me. 3

Don’t let your friend pressure you into coming out. Your safety is more important than visibility. Coming out is scary and dangerous and it’s okay to stay in. I would think she’d understand that, but apparently she wants someone else to go through what she did.

You can try baby steps. Maybe try talking with your family about the idea of asexuality and see how they respond. If they respond badly, you can drop the idea and stay in, and then no harm is done. But if they respond well, maybe you can work your way to coming out. 

It’s okay if you can’t. It’s okay if you need to stay in. You are not alone - the whole community is here for you. Make some more ace friends through tumblr so you can have more folks to talk to. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Regarding Catholic views, the other anon who talked about this is not entirely correct. I have grown up Catholic and taken courses on its theology. Catholics define three ways that a person can live: in the married life, as a religious, or, (drumroll) in the single life. So, if you're aro, there you go. If you're not, however, my morality book dictates that it is a Catholic person's responsibility to have children if they get married, since 'the product of love is life. (part 1)

(Part 2) Life is a precious gift, and you have a responsibility to uphold it.’ Those are the facts, but individual Catholics can be even worse about it, saying that if you’re not in a religious order you have to get married and have kids. It is for this reason that I have not yet come out to my own parents, for fear that they’ll force me to take extra religion courses to ‘correct’ my ideals.

Thanks for sharing, acenon. 

So, be super careful coming out to Catholics, lovely aces. Mixed bag, but it’s not looking great for you. Particularly if you are not aromantic or heteroromantic - then you get the homophobia AND the heteronormative shaming. Yay. 

-Kiowa

landofrunawayangel said: Approaching asexuality from a standard Catholic approach, I think it's okay. The belief of the institution of the Church (Not of some of the people within it) is that those who are not straight are suffering and as long as they don't participate in the act of sex with someone of the same gender, they are in the "safe zone." Asexuality probably wouldn't matter to Catholics that much because it's more a lack of wanting sex. As long as you have sex with someone not of the same gender, you're cool.

In terms of Catholics as people though, that’s a little more difficult to judge because people don’t always go along with what the institution says. Some people will be cool and some won’t. It’s the same with atheists and any other religion.

Yay homophobia… but maybe it won’t become acephobia? Let us hope.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Do you guys know anything about how Catholics view asexuality? Because my family is /very/ Catholic (like the bible is law, kinda deal). And this makes me very apprehensive about telling anyone that I'm asexual. I know my mother wouldn't mind, and I live with her so I don't have to worry about much, but I would still like to know what Catholic people think on the matter of asexuality, google wasn't much help to me, so I had to ask here.

Y’know, we obviously discussed a lot about Christianity overall, but I don’t actually know a lot about the specific Catholic approach. I would imagine it’s not going to be good - my experience with Catholicism has been that it’s all about traditional heteronormativity. Asexuals don’t want sex (on the whole, though there are obviously some who do), are often queer in some other way, might not want kids… all of which would be huge strikes against you. As far as I know it, the Catholic ideal is to end up in a straight marriage full of traditional gender roles and kids, so… asexuality challenges that. 

Followers! Anyone with more than just my theorizing? Any Catholics/former Catholics out there?

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: The last few people I've dated have dumped me because I couldn't have sex with them. I don't feel any particular desire to have sex, it's not a priority for me, but I want to be able to get over my fear of it and my vaginismus to be able to keep a partner so I won't be alone.. Is that a bad idea?

On the one hand, if it’s what you really want, then no, it’s not a bad idea.

However. I think that wanting to do that to “keep a partner” is the worst possible reason. Your partner should want to be with you whether or not you can have sex. They should want to be with you because they love you, not because you share orgasms with them. 

You never, never have to have sex if you don’t want to. You can think whatever you want about sex because it’s your choice. You never have to “get over” your fear or vaginismus. Plus, I’ve heard that one does not get over vaginismus - one learns to live with it. I would recommend this blog for a more knowledgable person with better resources.

Please don’t do anything you really don’t want to do. Your partner should love you as you are, and anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth your time.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: So, I know you guys are probably tired of seeing stuff like this by now, but as a Christian ace, I want to point out that we're not all intolerant assholes. I'd actually say that the majority of us aren't that way. I apologize if I got on your nerves, but I felt the need to defend my faith. Other than that, though, I really love your blog! Keep doing what you're doing, because I'm sure you're helping a lot of people c:

If you feel judged… well, honestly, good. Saying “not all Christians” is like saying “not all men.” Yeah, I know that not all Christians are oppressive and hateful, but some are, and they are so pervasive and toxic that they’re hurting lots and lots of people. Christians are a majority (remember, I live in the US, so my views are focused on how things are here) and experience a hell of a lot of privilege. So yeah, you know what? As a marginalized person who doesn’t have that kind of privilege and faces acephobia/queerphobia, I am going to call out all Christians on this issue. Because until all of you knock it off, the ones of you who aren’t oppressing us are just like the men saying “well, I don’t rape women, so don’t blame all men.” If you aren’t actively speaking out against acephobia, homophobia, transphobia, and every other toxic thing that comes out of your religion, then you are a part of the problem. Calling me out just makes you an even bigger problem.” - me, an hour ago

I know that not all Christians are intolerant assholes. I’m dating a Christian. Does that mean that Christians as a group are less of a problem? No it does not.

If you feel the need to defend your religion, what you are telling me is “I have no good answers to the points you raise, but they make me feel uncomfortable” which means I’ve done my job.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hi. I was wondering with all of the talk about Christianity today if you knew of any Christian (or other religions) blogs that talk about asexuality as well? Thanks.

Yes. I know of two. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: My friends don't think I should come out at biromantic ace to my family. My family is extremely judge-y and would probably ask me a million questions that I wouldn't know how to answer. But I am very close with them, especially my mother, I know she is the most judgmental but I also know that I have a really hard time not telling her stuff. I feel like its such an important part of who I am and I don't want my family to react badly but I also don't want to feel like I'm keeping a secret. WWYD?

Hi judge-y family anon again. Okay so now I’m talking to my friends and even though they all said they wouldn’t tell they’re telling me I should do what I want. But they put these thoughts in my head and now I feel like I shouldn’t talk about my asexuality at all. I am the kind of person who likes to talk things out and I need to be open about this. I just don’t know anymore. I’m sorry I’m just really scared. Who can I talk to, should I even talk to anyone? I just can’t deal with this.

They’re good friends - it’s your choice. it’s always your choice. 

But here’s a question for you - are you dependent on your family for anything? Money, food, shelter, healthcare, transportation, work, cell phone, anything? If so, I would not recommend coming out - because you know they’ll probably be judgemental, and that’s just not safe for you. What if coming out goes badly? What if they cut you off of those things? Can you take care of yourself?

If you’re independent of them, then it’s your call. Do you want to risk a bad reaction for the sake of honesty? Which is more important to you - a good relationship with them or being open with them? I’m not you, so I don’t know which matters more. I personally would rather be out, simply because I can’t stand being around people whose love and support is contingent on me fitting in. Love me as I really am, or don’t love me at all. But that’s just me - what do you feel?

If you do want to come out, don’t do it lightly. Come prepared with resources, with answers, with counters to the common arguments - like these. Maybe try introducing the idea of asexuality first, so that if they do react badly, you have time to back out.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I just want to share my positive experience with the Christian community I spent a month of my summer at a Christian camp and I told a bunch of people that I'm aro ace and they were all accepting and said that it's not in God's plan for everyone to get married and it was great

I’m glad you had such a positive experience! If only more people could be so accepting!

-Kiowa

A video of mine on asexuality- I hope it might help some people wanting to know more!:)

(Mod note: Hey, look, a quick 3 minute intro to asexuality! Thanks so much both for making this and sharing it! 

Do be aware - just from my watch through, I noticed a few issues here and there that could use clarification, such as not discussing aesthetic and sensual attraction as separate from romantic attraction, the common “many asexuals have sex” [remember, only about 4% of asexuals are sex-favorable, so the odds are that most asexuals are not interested in sex], a few other little nitpicky things… but for a 3 min video, very well done! -Kiowa)