Anonymous said: For some time I've thought I was asexual and/or aromantic and recently I told my therapist and a few close friends. My friends were really sympathetic about it, saying that it's possible that I am and it's something to consider. My therapist saw it as just a side effect of being insecure. It seemed like she had never even heard the term "aromantic" before. Now I don't know if I can talk to her about it anymore. Should I invest in a new therapist or consider what my current one has to say?

Time for a new therapist! The DSM-V, which is the American “rulebook” for therapists and psychologists, clearly says that asexuality is a valid orientation - not a mental health problem or a side effect. Therefore, any therapist who treats asexuality otherwise is not practicing therapy properly and is damaging their clients. Not to mention that the job of therapists is to validate their clients’ feelings and help them, not to invalidate or dismiss their identities. 

Now, aromanticism is not mentioned in the DSM-V, nor is it well known, and social stigma probably will prevent many, if not most, therapists from treating it properly. As such, I’d be careful about coming out about aromanticism to your new therapist - but coming out about being asexual is a good test of whether your therapist is quality or not. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Is it possible to become Ace after a rape?

It is. I really hope that didn’t happen to you, and if it did, I’m so sorry <3 (about rape, that is, not being asexual). As we say around here, sexuality is a function of genetics and experiences - so a traumatic experience like rape can indeed cause a shift in sexuality to asexuality. 

-Kiowa

madqueen-jillian said: Ummm so for the past few months I've been trying to explain to my parents and grandparents that I'm ace. But whenever I try to explain it to them they laugh and say its a phase and how they should record the conversation so they can prove me wrong in a few years. It's extremely disheartening.... What do you think I should do?

You have, as I see it, two options:

You can keep forcing the point. Come at them with resources and stories and studies and try to educate them. Don’t let it go until you’ve made your point. This may work, or it may get them really angry and make things really really bad for you.

You can let it drop. Stop bringing it up. Don’t pretend to be anything you aren’t - keep on being your awesome ace self. Just stop telling them about it. And then, in a few years, when you (most likely) still are ace, maybe bring it up again if you feel like it.

-Kiowa

Hi! I just thought I’d plug my etsy shop!

I don’t have much on at the moment, but I sell handmade ace items and I have two different ace ring designs up right now!

Visit my Etsy here!

(Mod note: Aces! Head on over here and support a fellow ace while spreading that ace pride!)

Anonymous said: I just recently accepted that I'm asexual (I've known for years I just wanted to deny it because I hoped I was just a 'late bloomer') and unfortunately it happened because I got into a relationship and didn't feel anything towards him that's different to my other friendships. I broke up with him today and I just wanted to know if I did the right thing by hurting him? I don't feel that comfortable talking to my friends about it because I'm afraid they won't consider asexuality real.

It’s okay to try relationships out and end them when you realize that they aren’t for you. If you didn’t feel anything more than platonic feelings for him, it’s honestly for the best that you ended it. It’s not fair to either of you to carry on a relationship in which you’re pretending to feel something you aren’t in order to satisfy whatever he thinks the relationship is. You both deserve better - he deserves to be with someone who wants the same things in a relationship, and you deserve to find happiness on your own terms. 

Make some ace friends! Online friends totally count. Then you’ll have someone to talk to. It’s okay not to come out. 

-Kiowa

is there an asexual PAC yet? i propose we invent one. ACEPAC, funding asexual candidates since 2014

While I am all for this, I have to say, it’s going to take a lot of work to get this off the ground.

  1. There aren’t that many of us. I know we do a lot of promoting numbers like the 6000+ followers of this blog alone or the 1% of people worldwide who should be asexual (about 70 million people) but realistically… the number of asexuals who are out and comfortable working on this is very, very small.
  2. We tend to be rather… broke. Due to a lot of us still being quite young, and sometimes due to acephobia and queerphobia costing us jobs and opportunties, and sometimes due to other situations… one of the reasons some PACs are so influential is that their backers are loaded. We’re not loaded. 
  3. Anybody actually know of any asexual politicians at any level, or any asexuals who want to run for any kind of office anywhere? It’s still dangerous for politically-minded people to come out as homosexual. 

Dude, I’m totally on board, I’m all for this idea. I just don’t know at what point it will be practical to make it a reality, and I suspect we’re going to have to tackle things from different angles.

-Kiowa

(This is pretty long.  I apologize in advance.)

I would like to offer up some encouragement to people who may be feeling scared, uncomfortable, or unsure of their Asexuality.  I’m 27, and have lived through the skepticism, rejection, fear, and uncertainty.  You are perfectly fine, and can lead a fulfilling life.  I have a beautiful son, and a wonderful fiance who understands where I am coming from and is very supportive (he’s Bi, fyi).  I am fully confident in myself as an Asexual, and am proud of who I am.

You won’t get it overnight.  I figured out I didn’t fit the sexual norm set in my community around the age of 15. For years I had to listen to remarks like “You’re just confused”, “You’re too young to know who you are or what you want”, or my favorite when I became an adult, “You haven’t had any good dick yet, just wait and see.”  A lot of people assumed I was gay when I’d tell them, leading to hours of me trying to explain to them that I didn’t feel sexual attraction, I just get to feeling frisky from time-to-time,and the gender didn’t matter of who it was I engaged in bed.

This is only my opinion, but I have discovered, through experience, that it takes years before you grow truly comfortable with yourself.  So give it time, seek out others like you who are in need of support, research and study your sexuality, and most important of all, don’t ever give up.  Be patient.  It takes a lot of perseverance, but there will come a day that you find your peace.  And you will find that when you achieve that peace, all those little things that kept you up at night and worried you sick all disappear.  You will have the confidence and pride I have, and be just as proud as I to have it.

(Mod note: Thank you so much for sharing your story!)

Anonymous said: Should I come out as asexual to my family? Does it really matter?

It’s up to you! Some people feel like it’s important, and others don’t. Some people have accepting families, and others don’t. For example, I’m out to my mom and brother, and I haven’t come out to my extended family but will if it comes up. Southie is out to her parents, but it didn’t go well. Di, same situation. It depends on each person and their family. 

So, do you want to come out? Why? Do you think it will go well?

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: So... I'm an ace but I haven't exactly come out to my boyfriend of 7 months. I just don't know when is a good time to bring it up and I'm a bit afraid too. It's getting to the point in the relationship where it should come up I feel but I'm it confident in my asexuality I guess? Got any advice on what I should do?

I want you to ask yourself why you’re afraid to come out to your boyfriend. Are you afraid he’ll break up with you? Are you afraid he’ll invalidate you? Are you afraid he’ll do something to you? Are you afraid because you haven’t come out to anyone before? It’s important to know what’s scaring you so you can counter that specifically. (Also, if you’re afraid that your boyfriend will hurt you in some way if you come out to him, that is a sign that your relationship is unhealthy and you need to get out of there.)

We have a lot of coming out advice in our FAQ and our coming out tag, which I would definitely recommend you read. But here’s some tips:

  • Prepare yourself. Have resources on hand. Prepare answers to common questions. Here’s a good start
  • Practice what you want to say. Try different variations. Get comfortable saying it to yourself. 
  • Start small. Start by introducing the idea of asexuality, maybe, and see how he responds before you associate yourself with it. 
  • Talk about your feelings. Talk about how you feel about him, how you feel about your relationship, where you think things are going.
  • Make your boundaries clear. This, and the preceding point, are honestly things that should be happening from day 1 in your relationship, and if they aren’t, it’s way past time to get them going. 
  • Point out that you haven’t changed. You’re just sharing a part of your identity with him and explaining how you feel - but you’re no different than you were before you came out, and no different from how you’ve been the past 7 months. You just want him to understand you better.

Good luck!

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I am so sick of the ace hate on social media. With yesterday being national coming out day I saw all these stories and people saying to just be yourself which is awesome but they don't mean me. I get laughed at and called a plant. I have no real struggle and therefore can't really be queer or part of the community. I've been so supportive of them and all I want is the same support. I am so frustrated.

I’m so sorry you’ve been experiencing such awful erasure and invalidation. Know that we are all here for you <3

I don’t understand how you can say that, though, and then immediately follow that up with “I have no real struggle.” Isn’t that a struggle? Your identity is being erased and belittled - that’s a hell of a struggle. Trust me when I say asexuals do face a struggle; it just doesn’t look the same as the struggle that homosexuals face - which also is different from the struggle bisexuals face, or pansexuals, or any other sexual minority. 

You are queer, whether the community accepts you or not. Trust me, this is a situation we are all struggling with. It’s highly  hypocritical for a group specifically for marginalized people to turn around and contribute to the erasure of another group. 

But you have this community, and together, we can work on these problems. 

-Kiowa