Anonymous said: This is kind of weird, but I go on Omegle a lot when I can't sleep (WARNING- HIGHLY SEXUAL PEOPLE ONLINE THERE) and I like the Spy Question section. A lot of the questions are weird sexual ones, which are tiresome. I always just say something about not being interested and mention asexuality. Surprisingly, most people on Omegle grow serious and ask actual questions about it, accepting it and learning more about it. I never thought I'd raise awareness that way haha.

That’s awesome! I’ve heard some horror stories about Omegle, as well as some real great things, so I’m glad to hear this happy story!

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I've been dating this guy for over 8 month. And I do love him. But a couple weeks ago he tried to go farther than kissing and I stopped him and he told me that he would wait until I was ready... But I don't think I'll ever be ready... But i just discovered my asexuality and don't feel comfortable at all telling anyone that I am asexual.

You don’t have to come out to him to draw boundaries. You can just have a frank talk with him and tell him that you aren’t ready to go past this point, and you aren’t sure you’ll ever be ready. You don’t have to tell him why, just how it is. And if he’s not okay with that and isn’t willing to respect your boundaries, this relationship may not be right for either of you. You deserve to be comfortable with your significant other - both in terms of them respecting your boundaries, and with you being open about your feelings (and asexuality). 

I’m glad he’s being respectful so far, but you need to have this talk. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: how do I explain asexuality to my SOs? what do I do if they get upset?

We have a whole slew of resources in the FAQs and in the “coming out” tag - maybe some of the advice there and the resources linked can give you ideas! You can also show someone those resources in lieu of explaining yourself. 

If they are upset, then you know that person is probably not a good partner to be with anyway. Being confused or a little upset at first is understandable, but they should work at getting past that and becoming accepting. If they feel like you lied to them, like you can’t love them, like they want to fix you, or something equally harmful, that’s a sign that that relationship is no good and you need to get out. Basically, play it by ear and see if their reaction is one you can work through or not. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I'm pretty sure I'm a romantic asexual because I only like cuddling and hanging out and no tongue kissing. I always have to end relationships because I don't want to have sex. Where do you meet other romantic asexual people?

*aromantic sorry

This other ask came in literally an hour after the first, so I’m going to answer them together. 

I think I’m asexual and I want romance but not sex. But where do you meet other asexual people? Also I feel like if I meet someone that isn’t asexual that they will leave me because I won’t have sex with them?

Here’s a list of some sites that might be a good place to start! You might also look into ace groups and queer groups in your area, and see if maybe you can find an ace in the flesh. 

Also, you won’t know if someone is okay with a sexless relationship unless you talk about it with them. Don’t automatically assume all allosexual folks will leave you for not wanting sex, but do be aware that that is a possibility. Talk to your partner(s)/potential partner(s) to find out how they do feel about that. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I think I'm asexual But I'm thirteen I have never had a sexual attraction to anyone But I don't know what to do

If you haven’t felt sexual attraction, then yeah, you definitely can identify as asexual if you feel that fits you!

I don’t know what you’re asking, though. What to do? Generally, here’s a recipe for a successful life: 

  • Do things you like.
  • Don’t do things you don’t like.
  • Surround yourself with good, accepting, caring people.
  • Cut toxic people out of your life.
  • Study something/get a job doing something that satisfies you.
  • Pursue hobbies that make you happy.
  • Take time to do things alone.
  • Watch good movies/TV shows/read good books/listen to good music.
  • Also do that with bad stuff, but laugh a lot.
  • Take care of your mental health.
  • Remember that you are valuable and wonderful as you are; no one else can define your worth.
  • If you can do something to better your life, do it. If you can’t, then stick it out till things get better anyway.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hey I know I am biromantic but am unsure if I am demi/grey/asexual, I have never had a deep emotional connection and have never been sexually attracted to someone, I think I could be but I am not sure they would have to be really special. What am I?

If you’ve never felt sexual attraction, you can definitely identify as asexual - and if somewhere down the line, you start to feel sexual attraction for any reason, you can change your label at that time. The label you pick now doesn’t have to be the one you use till you die. It just describes how you feel right here, right now, and if your feelings change, so can your label. So if somewhere down the road, you make a deep emotional connection and realize you’re demisexual (for example), it’s still okay to identify as asexual right now.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: There's a character who's sexuality isn't confirmed in canon, but I have headcanoned him as asexual for a while. I find thinking it helps me not get too panicked about my own asexuality, even if they are fictional and that isn't canon. Is that okay?

Absolutely! I personally love headcanoning characters as asexual. It’s awesome and adds representation where there isn’t any. Do it!

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: So I have dated a lot in the past so when I told my friend I'm asexual they didn't believe me and I don't know how to explain it. I keep saying I don't want sexual relations with anyone just romantic and nobody is believing me and apparently I'm just a slut/whore/attention-seeker, do you have any advice? / _ ;

First, get better friends. Cause anyone who calls their friends such insults is not actually a friend. Real friends don’t judge each other based on sexuality or sexual activity (or lack thereof). 

Be firm. You deserve to be open about what you want and how you feel and have that respected. Don’t associate with anyone who doesn’t respect you. 

In terms of explanations, think of something that those people don’t like - skydiving, deep sea diving, mountain climbing, something like that. And tell them that for you, sex is like that. You don’t want it.

You can always try educating people, but if their initial reaction is to call you a slut or a whore (which makes zero sense because don’t those insults mean you have “too much” sex?), I don’t have a whole lot of hope. You can definitely counter the attention-seeker claim: “Do you think this attention is fun for me? You’re insulting me and discrediting my identity! I wouldn’t willingly seek out this attention!” 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hi there, I'm pretty unsure of whether I'm ace or not. When the time comes, I would like to have kids, but as of right now, sex scares the crap out of me ( for no particular reason) I'm worried that when the time comes, I'll be too uncomfortable to try for kids, even though I definitely want them

Wanting/not wanting sex doesn’t determine asexuality - have you read the FAQs yet? If not, please venture over there and have a read, and hopefully things will become clearer. 

Sex is a big deal for a lot of people, and it can definitely be scary. I’d recommend looking into sex-repulsion or sex-aversion - maybe one of those terms will resonate with you, and if not, perhaps the experiences of other sex-repulsed and sex-averse folks will help you out. 

Also, have you considered that you don’t have to have sex to have kids? If you still want biological children, you can always go for artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, or have a surrogate carry. Adoption is also a great option, if the biological factor doesn’t matter to you. 

-Kiowa

Hi ! I first wanted to ask you a question about the etymology of the term “autochorissexualism”, with which I identify, for it’s a pretty recent word (I guess) and, as far as I know, it doesn’t even exist in my native language (French). So I just had a look on google as to not bother you with a question if I could find the answer easily by myself, but now I’m really upset by what I found.
In fact, on another asexual blog, a mod qualifies autochorissexualism as a paraphilia and says that it’s not a sexual orientation, thus it’s not a part of the ace spectrum.
It bothers me because of the term paraphilia, as I feel as they’re saying I’m not normal (maybe I’m taking it the wrong way ? Or is not involving myself in my fantasies “less normal” than involving myself ?) On the other hand, I’m a 100% sure that I never experience sexual attraction to people irl, even in a relationship, even in love (I know what I’m talking about, I’m an adult, I had relationships and I had sex).
Could you please tell me I’m not going crazy by getting upset by this article ? What do you think about autochorissexualism ? Does it have its place on the asexuality spectrum ?
I had another question before, but now I’m feeling so insecure about people thinking I’m not normal that I really can’t ask anything more.
Anyway, sorry for the long ask, and thank you so much for your blog, it’s really helpful !

So, let’s talk about autochorissexualism! For anyone not in the loop, here’s the definition from anagnori: 

  • Autochorissexualism - A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein. Commonly found in asexual people; an analogous feeling may occur in aromantic people for romantic fantasies. Coined by Anthony Bogaert.

So, autochorissexualism is not a sexuality. Many asexuals do experience this, because many of us find certain things arousing, but have no desire to participate in those things.

For those not sure that what paraphilias are, here’s a video from Dr. Lindsey Doe all about them and, in short, a definition: an atypical source of sexual arousal or gratification. The video makes a lot of sense, go watch it. 

Paraphilias are normal. Many people have them, there’s nothing inherently wrong about having a paraphilia. While some paraphilias definitely cross the line (the line being “does this paraphilia harm other people or involve lack of consent?”), many others are totally harmless. Fetishes are one type of paraphilia, as is BDSM. 

Is autochorissexualism a paraphilia? Quite possibly. I’m not a sexologist, so I don’t feel entirely qualified to pass that judgement. I mean, I guess if the point of sexual fantasies is that you want to participate in them, then I guess not wanting to do so would be atypical and make autochorissexualism a paraphilia. But at the same time, not wanting to participate in porn, despite finding it arousing, seems like a fairly common response. So I don’t know.

I guess my point is - I understand your concern. Autochorissexualism is something that some asexuals experience, but it is not its own identity. It was not meant as an identity, as far as I know. It is a reaction/behavior. It is definitely compatible with asexuality. Paraphilias are totally normal and you should not feel abnormal or broken or anything for having one! Many people have paraphilias. If autochorissexualism is a paraphilia, then that’s cool. If not, also cool.

-Kiowa