Anonymous said: I'm asexual but I have a high romance drive I guess, but I've never been in a relationship so sometimes it's really hard fighting off those "I'm going to be alone forever" thoughts and I'm actually really upset about it rn (I'm female sex-repulsed heteromantic) but I just feel like I'm never going to find someone who will want to be in a relationship with me bc I don't want sex. But importantly how can I satisfy my romance drive?Watching romantic stuff doesn't help it actually makes it worse...

Writing? Maybe? 

Or seek out friends who empathize. AVEN has some kind of a meetup dooblydoo, and the Ace Meetup tumblr exists to help connect aces with other aces. Seek out some new friends to talk to and maybe one of them will turn into a romantic partner?

You will find someone. Keep looking, but in the meantime, get comfortable doing things alone. Just because you’re on your own now doesn’t mean you will be forever, and you might as well savor the time now. Take yourself to the movies, go out to eat, do things you’ve always wanted to while you’re free to go. 

The happier you are on your own, the less you’ll notice that you are alone, and the shorter the time will feel until you have someone. 

It’s going to be alright, acenon.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: 1)* So u helped me have the courage to come out to my friends. They support me & that is amazing. Then I got a crush on a guy & he had a crush on me. I was scared about trying to date him bc I'm ace. U & my friends gave me advice & told me to go for it. So we talked and he came out as pan. I was scared but my friend told me to tell him. So I did. He said that It was great and that leaves more room for romance. Then he asked me out. So don't give up aces. Some people do understand! I also asked

2)* a question about coming out to my sister. She jokingly guessed I was ace. She is waiting for marriage with her bf so I thought she would understand. So I told her. She said that I can’t be in love if I don’t want “it” so then I brought up how her & her bf aren’t but she argued that they will one day. She makes fun of me a little now. Any advice on how to get her to stop and how to come out if the rest of my family will be like this?

3)* for all the aces out there who believe that sexual can’t be understanding I thought the same thing. I am so relieved they can. One more question. I have a decent size group but i only have 2 straight friends. non of the rest of us came out the closet until we had known each other a long time. Do other non straight people attract other non straight people subconsciously?

Ahh yay! We love to hear happy stories! I’m so glad things are going well for you! 

I believe the answer to the question about your sister just came out of the queue today, so scroll back a page or two for that.

In my findings, yes. Of my close friends, two are asexual (one being my girlfriend), one is pansexual, one is homosexual/sapiosexual, and one is straight. As my brother joked “Do you even have any straight friends?” Yes, just the one. It’s easier to be friends with people who have had similar experiences to you - being non-heteronormative is a big thing.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: when people try and tell me that because I comment on aesthetic attraction I'm not ace, so I just turn around and say "you said that baby was cute, you must really be a pedophile!"

THAT IS THE BEST RESPONSE I HAVE EVER SEEN everyone use this.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: 1/3 Being sex-repulsed, this blog has comforted me in the way of someday I'll (hopefully) meet a guy that won't mind not having sex but earlier, my family and I were out eating dinner and my mom and I were talking about sex (I have no problem talking about it) and cheating and she said "That's why you need to make sure you have sex with your husband, or else he's going to cheat on you." She doesn't know that I'm ace and sex-repulsed but what she said really discouraged me. I know I shouldn't

2/3 let it get me down but I can’t tell her that I’m sex-repulsed because then she’ll just start preaching me about having kids and satisfying my husband or my personal favorite (which she’s told me before when I told her I was going to wait until I was married to have sex *before I realized I am sex-repulsed*) “You never know what is going to happen in the heat of the moment.”

3/3 I know there’s a possibility of meeting a guy who won’t cheat on me if I don’t want sex but it’s just really disheartening (and frustrating) what my mom said. I’m sorry this is so long. I just wanted to tell someone because I have no one else to talk to except my best friend whom I have yet to come out to because I want to tell her in person but she lives 3 hours away. Thank you for reading this and all that you do. I love this blog.

I have a very simple answer that will hopefully both comfort you and make your mother think: if a guy is only refraining from cheating because you’re having sex with him, do you really want him around anyway? If the only thing stopping him from cheating is the fact that you’re letting him get his way with your body, is that honestly even worth it? 

This goes for everyone - you own your body, and you have the right to say no under any circumstances. Not feeling it? Say no. Had sex before, but don’t want to right now? Say no. Married, don’t want it? Say no. Doesn’t matter - if you don’t want it, you can say no. A good partner will respect that and will not cheat on you because you said no. 

Think about this - you have a cake. Your partner wants to eat some cake. You don’t want them to - maybe because you’re saving it for later, maybe because you’re not sure, maybe because it’s not actually for eating - so you say no. If your partner then said that if you don’t give them the cake, they’ll go out and get cake with someone else, you’d think they were a selfish diaperbaby. Well guess what? Whether it’s cake or sex, they are a selfish diaperbaby and you deserve better so kick their ass to the curb.

Moral of the story: your mom is so very wrong, and if the person you’re with values sex higher than you, dump them.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: 1/3 Do you think a parent is more willing to accept that their child is asexual if you told them you were heteroromantic? My mom has told me before when I was younger that if I ended up liking girls (I’m a girl) that it would be fine and she would accept me but a few months ago we almost got into an argument because (somehow) we got onto the topic of homosexual relationships and she started saying they could choose to be in a heterosexual relationship.

2/3 I told her that then they would be miserable for the rest of their life and all she countered with was, “Well, that’s their choice.” So now, even though I’m heteroromantic, I have no idea whether I should tell her because I feel like she just contradicted herself. I should probably also mention that we’re a Christian family (Protestant for us, Catholic for my Uncle and cousins) and now after my mom contradicting herself, I feel as if, besides my brother,

3/3 I’m the only one in the household who believes in God but that whatever sexuality you have, it isn’t a sin. So I guess I want to know your opinion if, in my situation, that if I emphasized that I am heteroromantic, do you think it would be better accepted (with my parents at least, I’ll probably never come out to the extended family)? Thank you for all the help and advice you give. I love reading your responses.

You’re probably going to hear the classic (and very, very wrong) argument that you have to have sex if you get married and if you don’t, that’s not fair to your husband and it’s a sin not to or whatever other bullshit people like to use to try to shame people into having sex they don’t want. They also might not believe you. 

I’m not sure coming out will go well for you, acenon, and I’m sorry about that. Your mom has already shown that she doesn’t care that sexuality is a choice, she believes that people should choose to be heterosexual even if it’s miserable for them. So coming out as asexual will probably result in her pressuring you to be sexually active at some point in your life, whether you want it or not. I would not come out to them unless you are in a situation where you can escape any repercussions.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Is it possible to have an abnormally high sex drive and still be asexual?? I don't ever get attracted to people sexually, or ever want to have sex with a person but I'm constantly turned on. I'm a 15 yr old girl and this has been going on for over a year, it awful and I'm about to rip my whole reproductive system out, I hate my body so much it gives me so much stress because I'm so conflicted ALL THE TIME. ugh what did this ask turn in to.

I’m so sorry you feel that way, acenon. You are right, libido has nothing to do with sexuality, so you can be asexual but have a high sex drive. If it’s really bothering you, I would recommend talking to your doctor about it because libido is hormonal and can be altered.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I'm so worried about being with someone. I've been in relationships before, but they've never lasted long because I freak out thinking that they'll want more when I don't. I'm so worried that if I'm dating someone and I tell them that I honestly don't want to have sex or any touching that they'll think that I'm some sort of freak. Even though I'm fine with being asexual, it still worries me when I think long term :/

Simple fact: anyone who freaks out or is upset that you don’t want sex is not someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway. You want - and deserve - to be with someone who accepts and loves you as you are, respects your boundaries, and is perfectly happy without sex. So if telling someone that causes them to freak out, then they weren’t good for you in the first place. 

You can and will find someone who is right for you. Maybe look for a fellow ace?

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: People think there is something wrong with me being asexual and that it will be a problem for me in the future. When I was a child, I was raped by my uncle. When growing up I didn't really worry about those things, but as I started getting older the idea seemed terrifying, but I knew I could be happy without it. I went to counseling and was told that it would be a problem and that something needed to be done. I'm really confused on if it's because of what happened or I just really feel that way?

It doesn’t matter if there’s a reason for it or not. Your feelings are valid and your counselor should be fired. 

I’m so proud of you for talking to us, and know that we support you. If you’re happy without sex, then you’re happy. Everyone finds different things that make them happy. Sex is literally the only thing in the world that people seem to think *everyone* should want to be happy, and that’s bullshit. If you don’t want sex, then you don’t. End of story. Nothing needs to be done.

Other than never seeing that counselor again. You can and will be happy without sex. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: hello(: this isn't really a question, just more of something I want to talk about and maybe get advice for I guess. I've just recently discovered the fact that I'm aroace but sometimes I feel like those labels aren't exactly what I want? I mean they're the right labels bc I've never felt sexual or romantic attraction but at the same time I feel like the label I want to use is something different. I think it's just because I feel like I'm only am sensually attracted to women and I only (cont -)

(-cont) want to have a sexual or any kind of relationship with women so I feel like I want a label that says that too. idk I just feel like other labels are you know, specific and aroace is kind of vague, like it doesn’t really take in preferences or have a way to specify anything. like i mean an asexual can say maybe they’re sex-repulsed or something like that but you can’t really do it the opposite way and there aren’t really terms for sensual attraction (as far as I know) and I guess (cont-)

(-cont) that’s what I want really. I guess I’m just looking for some way to feel idk content with acearo if you can think of one? I’m not too sure there is one so I guess I’ll jsut have to live with it. but well anyway, thanks for answering this and thanks for running this awesome blog :) (this is actually how I learned I was ace and it’s helped a lot with just taking that in so yeah I appreciate it)

You could try gynesensual, if you really feel like you need a term, but unfortunately, most people are not going to have a clue why you’re saying that or turn insulting about it. But if you like it, go with it. It’s your identity. You can also describe your identity with a noncommittal noise and a vague hand gesture, if you feel like aroace is too restricting, but you don’t fit anything else. 

We’re glad we could help, and I hope this helps too!

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I had a long relashionship with a girl, but we never had sex. I have never wanted to do it, but when I was with her I just felt something.... I REALLY liked her... Im 33 year old boy, a lot of people have told me that I look good. My friends talk about sex all the time and I just dunno what to do... Will I ever find someone who feels like me?! Or Im the only one who is.. fated.. I'm lonely... and I feel more lonely every day... My friends are with their soulmates and I... I am just no one...

I’m so sorry you feel that way, acenon. 

It’s okay to not want sex. Yeah, it does narrow your dating pool, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone. The asexual community is full of people like you, looking for happiness without sex. 

In the meantime, embrace being alone, acenon. While your friends have to accommodate their partners, plan around someone else, do things they maybe aren’t super into because it makes their partner happy, you don’t have to! You can go see whatever movie you want, when you want! You can pick up any hobby you like, and it doesn’t matter if it’s noisy or makes a mess, because you’re the only one it affects! You can lay around on the couch in your underwear all day! It’s your life, and you can decide what you want to do without having to consult anyone else!

It’s going to be alright, acenon. It really is. 

-Kiowa