Anonymous said: Im so sorry for asking this because you must have had similar questions. Im 15. Ive always thought boys and girls are cute but Ive never considered 'banging' anyone or have a crush like my friends? Could it mean Im asexual? Everyone says Im a fake.

Absolutely! “Cute” could easily just be aesthetic attraction. An acenon submitted this a while ago and I think it really applies here - you can appreciate people the way that people appreciate art. You think it’s pretty, but you don’t want to have sex with it.

You know your identity, and no one else’s opinion matters.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: this is kinda time sensitive or something like that. I wanna come out as a hetro romantic asexual girl. But im scared that if i do, people will only think it's a dumb excuse for me to avoid sex. Im just scared that nobody will ever love me anymore because they won't be able to have sex with me. i'm freaking outt

If you’re that scared, maybe now is not the best time to come out. It’s okay to stay in until you’re really ready to deal with the questions people will have when you do come out. 

A key point I’d make is that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. That’s it. You don’t feel sexual attraction. Some asexuals have sex, and some don’t - that’s a personal choice and isn’t part of being asexual.

Also, if someone’s love is contingent on having sex, they’re basically saying they value their orgasm over you. That’s shit, and you shouldn’t want to be with that person anyway. You want someone who loves you as you are and respects your boundaries - trust me, those people exist! They’re out there! You will find one! And you should wait to find one, because anything less is just doing you a disservice. Love has nothing to do with sex. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: 1/2)Hi. I've sent other questions in before and you have really helped me, so thank you. Also- I am pretty young (15) and identify as asexual (fairly new it's been a couple weeks) and I feel that it is accurate to my feelings. My problem is that I want a relationship- or at least I think I do, I've never had one before. Anyways, I'm just sort of scared because there are sort of two me's, if you will. There's the me inside my head (who is just me but with confidence-who I want to be) that has no

2/2) problem being with someone romantically. But I am actually very low in confidence and have issues feeling comfortable in my body and with my personality. I’m just scared that someone won’t want to be with me and also that canon (if you will) me is not as into relationships or kissing. I’ve built everything up so much in my head after thinking I was heterosexual not ace for so long- that it has become a big deal for me. I want a relationship, but I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.

I think you need to spend some quality time getting comfy with yourself before you even think about whether or not you want a relationship.

You’re 15. You still have some growing up to do. You have your entire life ahead of you. There’s no rush to sort out if you want to have a significant other or not. You’ve got more pressing things, like college and career plans and scary adult stuff. I know that’s encouraging (not), but that stuff has to be dealt with, and a relationship does not. You’ve got bigger fish to fry, as they say. 

In stead of worrying about whether you want a relationship or if you don’t really or if you like kissing or not, why don’t you focus on yourself? Take time to figure out what makes you happy, what makes you feel confident. Put your time and energy into learning to be happy in your own skin. You might have to start by pretending to be confident, but eventually it will stop being pretend and start being real. 

Investing your time in yourself will give you way bigger returns in the long run than trying to figure out if you want a relationship or not. Besides, from where I’m sitting, relationships are better when you want the person, not the idea of the relationship. You don’t want to settle for someone because you want a relationship; you want to be with someone because you genuinely care about that person. So don’t worry about it right now.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I have never felt any sexual attraction to anyone, (the idea of sex just grosses me out) but I do like people in romantic sort of ways. Several of my friends have told me I'm not really asexual if I like someone in romantic ways. Is this true?

Nope! Lies. Your friends probably don’t realize that romantic attraction is totally separate from sexual attraction. For many people, the two line up, or are at least compatible. But for asexuals, some of us have alloromantic orientations, so we’re into people romantically but not sexually. 

It sounds like you’re in that boat too :)

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I'm ace heteromantic and I'm about to turn 21 so I went through this "what if I actually am a 'late bloomer'" thing bc I also had a physical growth spurt recently so for a while I started trying to actually think about sex bc I usually just didn't even think about and I imagined myself having sex and it actually just made me feel really anxious and gross and just.. wrong (I almost cried) so I stopped doing that. And that's the story of how I found out I'm sex repulsed and definitely still ace

Yup, that’s definitely how I’d identify if I was you. I’m sorry you went through that, but glad you’re okay with your identity.

Guys, it’s totally okay to just be asexual and not try to find out if maybe now you aren’t. You never have to be anything you don’t want to be. I’m not sure “late bloomers” actually exist - some people do have more fluid sexuality than others, but I wouldn’t call that “being a late bloomer.” You are how you are, and you’re lovely just that way.

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: this is a good coming out story i was in the kitchen (i was fighting with my X because he wanted to have sex, and was wondering why i wouldn't do it with him) and i just said i was Asexual, and he got offended thinking i didn't like him (he was such a nice guy and i really liked him) and my mom was wondering why we were fighting me-"i was on tumblr and found ace." mom-"whats wrong with that" me-"i don't want sex" mom-"so?" and now im single but i have never felt better about myself

That is awesome to hear! 

Screw your ex (not literally, though, cause no). You’re happy with yourself, and that’s all that matters ever. You deserve better anyway!

-Kiowa

butterscotchwm said: I'm a hetero romantic asexual and I have a boyfriend of about 4 months. I have not come out to him yet, and after looking through the faq and talking to a friend, I figured that might be pretty bad. 4 months might seem like a long time for a hetero guy to not ask for sex, but he just hasn't! I guess it's why I haven't felt the need to tell him. What I'm wondering is if it's a really bad thing to hold off coming out as ace farther into the relationship?

It’s totally up to you. I wouldn’t stereotype him - just because he’s a straight guy doesn’t mean he’s obsessed with sex. If you think things are going fine without coming out, you don’t have to. 

But me, I’m all for the honesty. It might be good to have that talk with him, and to discuss what you each want from your relationship. I’d just be sure to emphasize that not feeling sexual attraction doesn’t mean you aren’t interested in him - it just means that there isn’t a sexual component to your interest. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: I think I might be asexual, but I already came out as pansexual to friends. I've never felt sexual attraction to somebody, the only reason why I came out as pansexual was because I just thought I didn't meet the right person. What should I do?

Be prepared to educate them about what you really mean. Have resources ready. Then try something like “I thought I was pansexual, but then I found about asexuality, and I realized I’ve never actually felt sexual attraction!” or something like that. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hello! I was just curious about your thoughts on heteroromantic asexuals. Is there such thing as being "not ace enough"?

No such thing. You are asexual, you are ace enough.

Anyone who says that is policing and excluding you, and that’s bullshit. This is a community for asexuals; a place for us to bond and talk about our issues and lift each other up, not tear each other down and exclude people. 

-Kiowa

Anonymous said: Hey so, I know you guys always tell us to identify however we feel we should. But piggy-backing on the question about the meaning of 'queer'... I guess I always thought that it meant any atypical sexuality. Basically that all of us who are asexual are queer because we aren't straight. But I'm heteroromantic, so am I not queer then? In the past people have asked questions and been told that being ace means that we aren't straight, so I guess I thought that meant queer? I'm so confused.

You’re still part of the queer parade, if you feel it fits. Being asexual means you are a part of the non-heteronormative group of orientations. You aren’t defined by just romantic orientation or sexual orientation - both count. You’re not “straight” in the way that straight is usually used. (Most people use straight to mean heterosexual and heteroromantic, because they don’t realize that romantic orientation is separate.)

You’re not really straight, by the way the word is used. You could call yourself a straight ace, to show that your romantic orientation is hetero- but you’re asexual. Either way, you’re part of this party.

-Kiowa