Frequently Asked Questions
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1. Am I asexual?
2. What is sexual attraction?
3. How and when do I come out?
4. Relationship advice.
5. I am able to be aroused; does that mean I’m not asexual?
5b. I have a high libido, and sometimes I want to do sexual things. Does that mean I’m not asexual?
6. I’m asexual, but I like to masturbate. Am I still asexual?
6b. I’m asexual and have no idea what to do to masturbate.
7. I sometimes feel aroused, but I don’t like masturbating. What else can I do to get rid of the arousal?
8. Am I too young to identify as asexual?
9. If I’m asexual, can I call myself queer?
10. Is it possible to be x sexuality and y romantic orientation?
11. If I feel sexual attraction to one gender but romantic attraction to a different one, am I asexual to one gender?
12. What is the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction?
13. Sometimes I’m more sex-repulsed than other times, and some things are repulsive, but some aren’t. Am I still sex-repulsed?
14. Am I asexual if I like to give other people sexual pleasure but don’t like to be pleasured myself?
15. I fantasize about sexual situations involving other people, but imagining myself in those situations feels wrong. Am I asexual?
16. I have low self-esteem and don’t consider myself attractive; is this causing my asexuality?
17. A summary of the asexual black ring.
Houskeeping FAQs
1. Why didn’t you answer my question?
2. How long does it take you to answer a question?
3. How many messages do you get each day?
4. I think the inbox ate my question.
5. Will you answer my question privately?
6. My question is too long for the ask box.
7. Do you take normal submissions?
8. The links don’t work on mobile.
9: How do I get added to the Safe Spaces chart/Asexuals by Location chart?
This is the most common question we are asked. The answer: if you feel that asexual is a word that describes you or that you identify with, then you are asexual. If you aren’t sure, try this handy flowchart.
[Image description: A flowchart asking, “Do you experience sexual attraction?“ The first answer is “No!” which leads to “You are probably asexual!” The second answer is “I’m not sure./Only in certain circumstances.” which leads to “You may be on the asexual spectrum!” The third answer is “Yes!” which leads to “You probably aren’t asexual!”]
This is certainly a dramatic oversimplification, but it should give you a place to start!
Here are things that do not define asexuality:
- whether or not you find people aesthetically attractive (“hot”, beautiful, handsome, etc.)
- whether or not you enjoy kissing and cuddling
- whether or not you get aroused or “in the mood” for sex (experience sexual desire/have a libido)
- whether or not you masturbate
- whether or not you have sex
- whether or not you enjoy sex
- whether or not you feel romantic attraction
- whether or not you have a partner of any kind
The only person who truly knows if you’re asexual is you. You do not have to have ever kissed someone, been in a relationship, or had sex in order to know your identity. You do not need a reason for being asexual, but it’s okay if you have one.
Asexual can refer to the entire asexual spectrum (which includes orientations like demisexual and gray-asexual) as well as being an orientation by itself. The flowchart specifically refers to asexual as an orientation, not as a catchall for the whole spectrum.
Being sex-repulsed (finding sex or sexual things off-putting, nauseating, or otherwise unpleasant) is not necessarily a part of asexuality. 55% of asexuals are sex-repulsed, so it is very common, but not a requirement. You can be asexual while being sex-favorable (enjoying sex)!
Naturally, if you don’t know what sexual attraction is, you’re going to have a hard time knowing whether or not you experience it!
Most of the people who run this blog are aces, so we cannot tell you what sexual attraction feels like. As we understand it, though, if you aren’t sure… you’re probably not experiencing it. Apparently, when you experience sexual attraction, you know it.
A good explanation of what sexual attraction feels like (to one heterosexual man) is from this thread:
“At the most basic, it’s a gut feeling. You want to be near this person (to whom you are attracted). You want to touch them, even if in a non-sexual way. Their bodies, particularly they’re breasts and hips, have auras of pleasure. In the more extreme cases, you feel hot. In fact, I’d say that this is why people say, “He/she has the hots for you.” It’s not a typical type of hot. You’re probably not about to sweat, but you feel this heat inside of your body. At its worst, especially if you’re never able to satisfy your lust, it begins to feel like hunger.“
Another good explanation comes from our friend at demigray, who is gray-asexual:
For me, strong sexual attraction (which is the only kind I’ve experienced) feels exactly like hunger, just directed towards someone’s body. If sensual attraction feels like the warm, cosy ambiance of candles, then sexual attraction feels like the flame of a campfire. I want to press myself up against them and be close to them but there’s an added desire for specifically sexual contact like, well, taking their clothes off, kissing areas other than just their mouth, etc. Basically, it’s like if you took sensual attraction (because that involves you wanting to touch a person—cuddling, kisses, hugs, etc.) and added sexual elements to it.
Here’s a helpful link with some other resources, if you still want more.
Sexual attraction is experienced differently by different people, but if the concept still makes no sense to you, then you might be asexual. Also, keep in mind that people who aren’t asexual usually don’t question whether or not they feel it. That’s something people who are on the asexual spectrum do.
3. How and when do I come out?
Here are some resources for coming out:
- Asexuality 101: When You Should Come Out
- Asexual Coming Out Experiences
- Southpaw’s Ace Coming Out Video! (transcript included)
- General Advice/Rebuttals for the Haters
Most basic answer: if you don’t feel comfortable and safe coming out, don’t do it. You never have to come out unless you want to. You do not owe anyone an explanation about your orientation. It’s entirely your choice.
We will be happy to answer any specific relationship questions you may have.But, as always, please read these links first. We endorse everything these links have to say 100%.
5. I am able to be aroused; does that mean I’m not asexual?
No! Arousal is not attraction. Arousal is just the body’s response to stimuli, of any kind - physical, intellectual, auditory, olfactory, etc. Attraction is totally different (as described up there). Asexuals can get aroused, and they are still asexual.
This applies to things such as porn, smut stories, sexual situations, kinks, etc… enjoying any of those or becoming aroused by them in no way invalidates asexuality.
5b. I have a high libido, and sometimes I want to do sexual things. Does that mean I’m not asexual?
No! Libido (or sex drive) is different for everyone and is primarily hormone driven - and still isn’t attraction! Libido varies among asexuals, and a high libido does not invalidate your asexuality. Likewise, having sex, doing sexual things, etc, does not invalidate your asexuality either. Sexual activity is your choice and does not define your sexuality.
- Clitical. This site caters to those with vulvas and offers anatomy guides, tips, tricks, user-submitted techniques, and more. Along with its counterpart, Clitical Guys (primarily for those with penises), it’s a good starting point. However, it’s not particularly trans* inclusive, so if you need that, the links below are better for you.
- Fuckyeahsexeducation’s FAQs
- Fuckyeahsexeducation’s Resources
- Fuckyeahsexpositivity’s Features/Posting Schedule
- and of course, the above two sites in their entirety.
- The Asexuality Archive’s three part guide
- Sexplanations
7. I sometimes feel aroused, but I don’t like masturbating. What else can I do to get rid of the arousal?
Some people are able to ignore arousal until it dissipates. For most people, complete mental immersion in some other task helps a lot - if you’re fully focused on anything else, you’ll automatically ignore it until it’s gone. Many people say exercise helps a lot. Not only does it take your full focus, but it redirects your blood flow, which counters the physiological side of arousal. Also, the endorphins released during exercise may help.
8. Am I too young to identify as asexual?
The average age people first start experiencing sexual attraction is by 10 years old. It’s up to you as to whether or not you identify as asexual and of course sexuality can be fluid, but most people experience sexual attraction starting at quite an early age.
9. If I’m asexual, can I call myself queer?
We get this question surprisingly often, and the answer is yes, you absolutely can, but some people don’t like the term queer because of its history as a slur.
10. Is it possible to be x sexuality and y romantic orientation?
Yes. It doesn’t matter what x and y are. Whatever sexuality and romantic orientation you feel best describes you is valid. Any combination is possible.
11. If I feel sexual attraction to one gender but romantic attraction to a different one, am I asexual to one gender?
No. Not feeling sexual attraction to one gender (or to many genders) is not asexuality - because you still feel sexual attraction to someone. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to all people, regardless of their gender. What you’re looking for is a mixed orientation - that’s where you feel sexual attraction to certain genders and romantic attraction to a different set of genders. Such as being heterosexual and biromantic, or bisexual and panromantic, as examples.
12. What is the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction?
A large part of what defines romantic versus platonic attraction depends on what is considered “romantic” to each individual person. Therefore, there is no one simple answer. However, here is one example of how you might distinguish romantic attraction from platonic attraction:
Romantic attraction is a pull to be with someone in a romantic sense. It is an unexpected and illogical reaction that has no identifiable trigger except for their presence - or even the thought of them. It may have physiological components involving heart racing, palms sweating, “butterflies” in the stomach, blushing. It may trigger thoughts of being in romantic situations with that specific person, in the immediate or long term future.
Similarly, platonic attraction is a pull to be with someone in a platonic way. It is an unexpected and sometimes illogical reaction that has no identifiable trigger except for their presence - or even the thought of them. It is a strong feeling of admiration, wanting to spend time with them, wanting to get to know them and be around them. It may trigger thoughts of spending time together in specific platonic situations, in the immediate or long term future.
We ask that you read this post by Di (which the above example was taken from) discussing romantic and platonic attraction for a much more detailed discussion of this topic.
13. Sometimes I’m more sex-repulsed than other times, and some things are repulsive, but some aren’t. Am I still sex-repulsed?
Yes. Sex-repulsion is not a constant, inflexible, uniform response. No two people’s sex-repulsion will look exactly alike. You can be repulsed by some things and not others, more repulsed at some times than others, only repulsed under certain situations, and your repulsion can grow or fade with time.
14. Am I asexual if I like to give other people sexual pleasure but don’t like to be pleasured myself?
Not necessarily. This is described by the term stone, and anyone of any sexuality can be stone.
15. I fantasize about sexual situations involving other people, but imagining myself in those situations feels wrong. Am I asexual?
Maybe, but what you described is autochorissexualism. Autochorissexualism is where you feel a disconnect between yourself and sexual fantasies, or have no desire to participate in sexual fantasies.
Autochorissexualism is not a sexual orientation. It’s a paraphilia (an uncommon or unusual source of sexual excitement or pleasure). While it’s common among asexuals, it can be experienced by anyone of any orientation.
16. I have low self-esteem and don’t consider myself attractive; is this causing my asexuality?
Probably not. Plenty of people with low self-esteem and who feel they aren’t attractive are as allosexual as they come. Sexual attraction is a gut reaction to other people and is not at all related to how you perceive yourself.
17. A summary of the asexual black ring:
Some people wear a black ring on the middle finger of the right hand as a symbol of asexuality. It is meant to be a discreet symbol by which asexual people can recognise each other. Anyone on the ace spectrum (asexual, demisexual, grey-asexual, etc) can wear the black ring.
The idea was originally suggested in this thread on AVEN, and has been adopted by asexual people both within and beyond AVEN.
It is also known to some people outside of the asexual community. For example, this FAQ about the right hand black ring within the swinger community mentions that a black ring on the middle finger of the right hand is a symbol of asexuality, and advises swingers to avoid wearing theirs on the middle finger for that reason.
Originally, it was suggested that since the ring should be worn on the left middle finger, but it was pointed out that some asexual people are married and wear a wedding ring, and the black ring next to it can be a problem for these people, so the people discussing the idea (in the thread linked above) agreed on the right middle finger instead, and it caught on.
Any black ring will do. The idea was that it should be something that is widely available so that people are more likely to be able to acquire one, and also be general enough that people can pick something they like so that they’ll actually want to wear it.
Plain black rings are popular, as are rings with ace playing card references. It doesn’t have to be completely black. For example, silver rings with black bands count too. Some people wear haematite rings even though they’re not quite black.
(Yes, even then, there are people who can’t find one, especially people who can’t shop online. Some people make theirs out of various types of scrap material, and others draw a ring on their finger using a marker.)
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Housekeeping FAQs
1: Why didn’t you answer my question?
Because we haven’t been able to. We promise, we want to help everyone, and we want to answer every question. But we are all volunteers, and we’re only able to put in so much time. Frequently, we just can’t keep up with the messages coming in, but we do try. We’re not ignoring you - we just couldn’t do it. Or it could be that the mods who are around aren’t comfortable answering that question, and saved it for another mod. Or maybe we need to do some research first. There are a lot of reasons, and none of them are that we’re ignoring you.
PLEASE NOTE: If your question has already been covered in the above FAQ, we will not answer it. Checking the FAQ first is considered your responsibility, and we reserve the right to delete any questions that are already answered here.
2: How long does it take you to answer a question?
Anywhere from immediately to weeks. Again, that’s based on the above availability, the number of questions we get in a day, etc. We also run a queue that we try to keep full of about a week’s worth of questions. Anything that isn’t time-sensitive goes in the queue.
3: How many messages do you get each day?
Anywhere from 15-50, depending.
4: I think the inbox ate my question.
It might have. It does get hungry from time to time. If it’s been less than a week, then do not message us about it. It could easily be in the queue. If it’s been over two weeks, make sure you’ve checked the blog thoroughly for it.
If you really want to be sure your question got answered, ask us to tag it as something so you can search for it easily! That also makes it easier for us to find it. Describing the content of your ask to us doesn’t help since so many of you submit similar asks.
5: Will you answer my question privately?
Sure! As long as you’re not anon and you ask nicely.
6: My question is too long for the ask box.
That’s fine. If you are comfortable using the submit function, that has no limit, and we’ll answer it just the same. Otherwise, just break your ask up into small parts. The ask box can hold 500 characters, and when you get close to the limit, it will count down how many characters you have left. The less messages you have to send, the better, and it’s nice if you number and label them (like [1/2 kb]) so we know what’s going on.
7: Do you take normal submissions?
No. We take submissions about advice - such as advice blogs, community blogs, meetup blogs - that are useful to our followers. This blog is about helping each other out - so that’s what kind of submissions we like.
8: The links don’t work on mobile.
We know. Mobile is poopy and bad. If you want to access the links and whatnot, open this blog in your browser. I know that, as the FAQ is a link, many of you still won’t read this, which is why we strongly encourage you to use a computer to reach us, if you can.
9: How do I get added to the Safe Spaces chart/Asexuals by Location chart?
You go to this post. If you have issues, contact The Asexuality Blog. We are promoters and users of the chart, not the geniuses behind it!
